HER FIVE CENTS

I just posted a crap ton of blogs from Myspace. I'm supppper mad at the interwebs right now. First of all, back awhile ago, I accidentally made the switch from classic Myspace to some weird stupid new version of it in which it deleted alllllllllll of my old stuff. Dates on pictures, comments on said pictures, and comments on blogs. anger.

THEN I remembered I had an old blog at easyjournal. Remember that? It was the time of like 2005 and prior. It's gone! and now I'm all worried about blogger doing the same thing to me. IS that gonna happen? Just disappear?

It was weird to go through SO many of my old posts, some of which I didn't post here because they were private then and are still private now. I watched (read?) myself through moving from az to pa. and then back from Pa to az. and through the birth of Jackson and Sadie too. By that point, I had migrated from Myspace to this lovely place I now call home. at first, this blog was called "thenicklefamily.blogspot.com" and then I changed it almost immediately because I am an individual. and I like my individuality. Maybe autonomy is a better word.

Crazy. I don't even know. I don't have words.

I even found a blog that talked about Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance. I love summer TV. Does anyone watch Big Brother besides Hannah? Please say you do. I need someone to talk and mull it over with. Speaking of which, I get to go watch the first episode! Which is sad because you guys got to watch it last night. Hashtag Germany.

So I totally haven't blogged on Myspace in forever. I don't have anything good to say except that I am really sick. So is the rest of my family .It's sad. And sad.
I also am angry at my parents. I can't really stand them. Weird.
I want to be skinny but don't have the desire to do anything about it. Yet.
That's all. I'm sweating to badly to write anymore. Plus I have to go take care of business if you know what I mean. The gross kind. The being sick kind. Yeah. TMI. Anyway.
 

My day has been full of shits and giggles. Literally. Shits and giggles and throw-ups. Sorry David. I swore. I have been swearing lately. I kind of secretly like it. Except now it is not so much a secret.
This blog will probably be full of complaints. Sorry to those of you who hate that. I don't actually care that much that you do. Stop reading.

The one absolutely great thing about my day was seeing Twilight for the third time legally. Probably the 4th or 5th illegally. I don't know why I love that movie so much. Is it the overly lovey story? Or the absolutely gorgeous Edward? I actually think it's the baseball scene. I could watch that a million times. For some reason I love that one more than any other one.

Then I got to eat something delicious. I can't tell you where I went because I made it a secret from David. Not sure why either. Anyway, I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with May Day. Does anyone have a guess?
When we were there Sadie decided to explode in her pants. She doesn't actually wear pants. She decided to explode in her gown. Those annoying ones with holes in the bottom. Oooh and before that she threw up all over me. Yum. I brought extra clothes for her but not for me. I"m smart.

I hate to say this because I know a lot of people are, or are trying to, have babies. But why do we have them again? At this stage they are so much work. They don't sleep when you want them to, the poop everywhere and they vomit just the same. I guess it becomes more worthwhile when they start to smile more, or play. Or they get to be Jacksons age and you can dress them in stretch pants, converse and an oversized sweater and then laugh because they look so freaking silly. I'll post a picture of that one. It happened tonight. IT was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Came home to Jackson dressed like that (by dad) and it made my day so much better. It becomes worth it when you ask them to say 'truck' and they say 'cock' in return. It's when she (I'm changing tenses here so you know who I am talking about) when she sleeps for 6 hours at a time, or when she DOESN'T explode in her pants for a day. It's worth it when he eats cheese from the 1 pound block in the fridge. Or when he gives kisses. I love my life.


Okay, I'm officially in a better mood. I love reliving those memories. I need to go though. 

This blog will not contain anything about my long nights/days with a newborn and toddler. However, the words below are written as a preface to any other blog I might write.
Disclaimer: To those of you who might be trying to get pregnant for your first or second time, I love you. My heart goes out to you. I pray for you. I apologize for anything I might have said in the past that would have offended or hurt you. However, I will not apologize any further for remarks regarding my personal difficulty with being a mom to a newborn and a toddler.I write these for me own personal record, as if it is a journal. Your opionion of me is NONE of my business. (I only wish you would keep it yours instead of making it public on Myspace). Anyway, if you agree to these terms and services, I hope you keep reading. However, if you don't, STOP reading my blog.

In all sincerity, L

I wish for a week or two I could write like Jaime. She is such a good one. Her blogs are always so poetic and wonderful. I always feel like I am reading a novel by a very smart person when I read her posts.

Instead I have to settle for what I am. I'm not even sure what that is. Today I was thinking that I very much feel like a mother ALL the time. What happened to lazy days and sleeping in? It depresses me when my mom tells me that I won't really know what  a good nights sleep is for say.... 15 years. Does anyone have any solace for me? I'm not gonna complain too much because I love my babies.

This time around I feel so much more comfortable with being a mom. I am not stressing so much about the little things like making sure she is all covered when I bathe her, or cleaning her umbilical cord EVERY time (My doctor actually said that it's no longer a big deal to do it). The little things... they don't matter so much as enjoying the moments.

I haven't really been enjoying the moments though. I've been more frustrated than anything. I hate being so tired. I hate the sound of the yucky wail she lets out for no reason except she wants to suck on my boob. Seriously. This girl doesn't even want to eat, she just wants to suck. Not on a binky, not on a bottle, just on my booby. It drives me frickin crazy.

I love my Tom Cruise baby right now. He is wearing a shirt with socks and no pants. His socks are black though and he is WAY cuter than Mr. Cruise.


Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for many things. I won't list them because that would take too long. I love everyone. 

Seriously. I'm over it. You don't like Obama. I get it. I don't appreciate the disgusting prejudice hater texts and e-mails.

Don't send them and then write things that say "I am excited to see what he will do as a president. It's good to have change."

That's totally hypocritical.

I may or may not like him. I won't tell you. Either way, I am not prejudice. Even if you are joking, it's the mentality spreading around. Ha ha ha it's a joke until everyone decides to go nuts and do stupid crazy things. I'm extreme yes. Do I care? No. I'm pregnant. Two days overdue thanks.

Speaking of which, when is she coming? I don't know. Does anyone wanna make a bet? I'll send out a prize or something. Oh wait, no I won't. But maybe I will. I have lots of new baby girl clothes. I'll send you one if you get it right. Lol. I'm funny. I think we are officially ready. We have the car back now. Remember how I was in an accident? We finally got my beauty of an Apple back with the camera charger in tact. I think God knew I needed those things before she could come. So... yay.

Well, I'm going to attempt to get ready for church. I'm reposting this to my blogger blog because it's important.


I just wanna say one more thing about our future Elect. We don't know how things are going to turn out. 

I'm so alone right now. Literally. My boys went away for the night and I am secretly living it up. On Myspace. I know right? I am happy to even have a chance to write this blog though. Usually I would be dealing with a little guy climbing all over me or hitting the keyboard or trying to pull the mouse down. So this is actually a perfect evening for me.
I was gonna write this hater blog on my blogspot but it doesn't quite fit there. I have a secret blog and a public one and I kind of feel like my Myspace one is a combo of both. I like it.

Does anyone really know that I am gonna have a baby in like one week. J and I decided that 10-28-08 is a good date. I'm aiming for that.

Everyone says that family is the most important thing. I would say that is true in some aspects. I think there are a few things that tie with it. Or maybe come before. And that is my relationship with God and the place I put Him in my life. I feel like if that is on good terms, everything else will fall into place. I'm not preaching here because neither my relationship with God or His place in my life are in good standing at this moment. Maybe that's why my relationship with my family is suffering.

It's not suffering in the immediate sense. Me, David and Jackson, and baby girl are tight. Like my butt... or I guess my belly. My butt sure isn't tight right now but my stomach is. Anyway, I'm feeling a lot of bitterness towards the others.

Steph would say something about thinking before speaking but sometimes I just don't want to. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don't really know what to do about it.

I live super close to the majority of my family yet I never see them. I hate that. One of the big reasons for me moving back to AZ was to be with them. It's not really happening. It's only been a couple of weeks since David and I have really been on our own and I already feel this way. It's poopy.

So basically that is all. I'm not even funny in this blog. I guess I'm feeling a little more serious. Oh well. I'm gonna go post a new picture of Jackson even though I secretly hate people that do that and make it their default picture. It's YOUR myspace. Not your childs. again, I'm talking to myself here cause I'm about to go do it. He's way cuter than I am.

Goodbye my lovers. 

My 8th grade love and I made contact through Facebook. He wrote me first and asked how I was doing and such. I responded telling him that I am good. I asked if he would be interested in coming to a friends reunion. I had made contact with some of the other girls I was super close to in 7th and 8th grade. I found them in the first place because of a notebook I found upstairs in my moms house. We passed this notebook around and wrote about our life experiences and such. I told this boy that his name was mentioned a few times. He probably thought he was mentioned by me. Not so. It was two of the other girls that really liked him and wrote about it. Anyway, I failed to mention that point in the message. Anyway, I continued on with my message to him and ended with a "Love- Lisa". It's my casual friendly way of a goodbye. Right? He wrote me back and at the end of his message said this;
"To avoid even the appearance of evil and to help both of us be comfortable, let's keep writing and such strictly platonic. So we should avoid talking about past relationships (even journals perhaps) and let's not end messages with "love" too. Cool?"

Uhhhh NO. Not cool, you silly Mormon crazy boy. I felt like I was in 8th grade again when I read that. I seriously freaked out. Why does it upset me so? Maybe it's because I feel like we are both adults and should probably be able to talk as such. He was like that when I knew him back in the day too. Maybe I shouldn't be so freaked out.

Needless to say, I haven't responded and probably won't. What am I supposed to say to that? What I wanna say is "You are ridiculous and should probably get a life if a letter ended with "Love" gets to you."  Then I would probably offer to hook him up with a girl that would give him the time of his life (if you know what I mean), with hopes that he might loosen up a little. 


Oh well. He will probably be a lot happier once he has sex. I bet by then he won't even be phased by the mention of the word love or journal or something. 

I never thought it would happen to me. But I am so excited!!! 

"Our Hollywood is the Amish country, and we are the paparazzi." - Lisa and Jess, 2008
The rest of this post is mostly dedicated to Jess so don't be sad if you don't get a lot of it.
You know you are a visitor to Pennsylvania if:
You confuse Pittsburg with Philadelphia.
Your definition of green expands to include more than just pine trees.
Previous to eating one, you thought a Philly cheesesteak was just "cheese and steak".
One way streets are a new thing.
You go to Wal-Mart and there are parking spots (buggy tie-ups) reserved for the Amish.
You go to any restaurant in town and there is only one booster seat.
You're surprised that people actually ask you if you need help.
If I think of any more I will have to add them. We had a good time while she was here (minus the time when we almost got ran over... a few times). I'll post pictures in the albums. Check them out. I am going to be a photographer when I grow up. So if you want my skills to come to your next event, just hit me up. What am I now? Ghetto?

This is a semi-boring one. Mostly it's cause I'm tired. Getting up at 4:30 am to have to deal with a jerk at the Delta counter is not fun. Ugh. He's gonna have some words. Only one might be pleased to hear that Jess and I left sweet notes for our waitress last night. She was super nice and really good at serving. See, I don't always complain. Just sometimes.

Get Smart is a movie. We went to see it at the classy Roxy. It was fun. The movie was actually really funny as well. "Well that was a major blow to my gonads." I loved it even though I have no idea where it comes from. I know it's a remake of some show from the 60's so some of the stuff was probably more funny than it should have been. OR maybe less funny depending on how you look at it. Anyway, if your town only has 3 movies to choose from, and Get Smart is one of them, pick that.


It's time for me to nap. But not before I post something else special. I guess if you read this, you will already know because this will come second in the blog list. It involves sexual reproductive parts. I know right? 

I love myspace because my blogs are so real here. I feel like I can say anything and it's okay. Is that so weird? Hmmm...
David is asleep on the couch. Snoring. He just started this new fad. I'm not a big fan which is why I have started using ear plugs again. He blames it on the allergies or something. Should I not say that here? Is that an embarrassing thing? I don't think so. I love you honey.
I feel like I am super happy with the inner changes I am making with myself. Although I'm going through a decision making time, it's okay. I am at a turning point here. I feel like I can't have both. What's that saying? You can't have your pie and eat it too. Ooooh  Iwant pie right now. Too bad we don't have a Denny's or something. I would go get some. Crap. Now I'm in a bad mood cause I have no pie or even ice cream. Or even cookies. Ugh.
Anyway, it all has to do with church. Don't worry, I'm not going anti or anything, but I am doing some soul searching. I am so frustrated with the way it is for me right now. I know some things for certain. That Jesus Christ lived, that He died for me. I believe in the Plan of Salvation. I know the priesthood is here on the earth. Joseph Smith restored that priesthood  to the earth. He didn't do it alone, he was the instrument that brought it about through God and His son. What's most important to me though, is that I know that God loves me. My relationship with Him is the most vital thing to me right now. Which is where part of my struggle comes in.
I feel like so much of the focus in actual church is not on that relationship, but more on other less important things. Some may claim otherwise, but I hear what I hear. I am listening too. I'm trying not to be "hard of heart" as well.
I also realize, re-reading the above above paragraph, I cannot change the fact that God is a man, that the priesthood is given to men, and that our church is led by men. People again question God being a man, but if you believe in the Bible, you know He is. That's not the big deal, it's the other patriarchal stuff. I truly struggle with that. We're told once in a great while how wonderful we are as women in the church, but we're not told enough and we're not treated as we should be. Instead we are told we should be better homemakers, and helps to our husbands. Bleh. Seriously, Mormons who read this, think about the last time you were told how divine and truly vital you are.
I am teaching in church on Sunday (how ironic right?) and I found the ONE talk that mentions what I am talking about. Jeffrey R. Holland says, "Everything Christ taught He taught to women as well as men. Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman, occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator."
If this is true, why are the differences between us (women and men in the church) so extreme?
Anyway, on to more exciting things. Jackson is turning 1 tomorrow. I can't believe that in a couple of hours, the one year anniversary of my water breaking will come upon me. Seriously, reliving that memory is not something I like to do. If you have ever had your water break unexpectedly you know what I'm talking about. I felt like a child who couldn't stop peeing her pants excessively. You should have seen me standing in the elevator of the hospital not wanting to come out for fear that everyone would know that I was leaking everywhere.  Awful. It wouldn't stop either. I was scheduled to go in that morning to be induced but little baby Jackson had his own plan which is why I got surprised at 2 in the morning with my wetting of the bed (okay, my waters breaking).

I love everyone. I'm going to buy more people. 

So I guess if you read this you will find out something pretty cool. I'm having another little baby. Yes. It's exciting. And it's time that I announced it. If I didn't tell you personally, don't take it personally. I don't know if that makes sense.

I'm visiting Jaime Jina and we are prego together. It's so much fun. I love my guest room with the nightstand with a bowl of fruit, a complementary book, nuts, and a candle and a chocolate on the pillow. I love it.
We had fun together yesterday. I'm so excited for her to have a little one. It's so great. She is going to have a boy (first) and a girl (second). I did the ring on her. I still have to do it to Andy to make sure it matches up.
Just go read her blog. Except you can't because it's private. Too bad you aren't her friend.

I have a headache. Are you excited that I'm having a baby? I am. It took me  awhile to get out of the denial. It's good now. The sooner I have it, the sooner I am done. I will still be young when it grows up and David and I will have plenty of time to be together. And Jackson will have a good play friend. I hope he won't torture the new one. Anyway, two is a good number for me.

Well, it's time to go. 

is Congratulations to my cheerleaders. Everyone did fabulous.
What I really wanna say is:
I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
I am absolutely  fedd uup witthh thee exxtraa letterrs. I willl NOOOOTTT readdd annything annymoree that hasss exxtra letters. Does anyone else read it like it says? I end up sounding like an idiot in my own head. Blah.
I am going to go yard sale-ing tomorrow for clothes for Jackson only. I have to promise myself not to get anything else. I don't need more junk.
I haven't watched American Idol from this week... the one where someone gets cut. I think I might know though because it seems to be all over the news or somesing.
I am happy for Picsag and Asian that they are getting married. It makes me super happy.
I basically am a hater right now and hate everyone and everything. Including but not limited to, humidity, crackers on the floor, principles who have power trips, my phone battery dying, the way I bite my cuticles, and more things I don't want to say.
What I really want to say though:

is I love your mom a lot. I do. Because if she didn't have S-e-x with your dad, then you wouldn't be here. 

So none of the people I have suscribed to as far as blogs go, have written anything in awhile. So I am writing instead. I am at Jenny's house right now. I am babysitting the puppies. They are sitting next to me right now. They love me. I love their television. They have the goodest channels ever. I'm watching the kid show, recording 8 Mile (tv version), and planning on watching the Miss USA pageant. I love vh1 and mtv. Wanna talk about it?

Who else wants a $38,000 car? Or is that just me? The Nissan Murano... it's so gorgeous. Love love love it. I don't even care that I am eating candy for dinner. It's delicious.

We had a spaghetti dinner tonight for the March for Babies. It was a good time. I love serving people food. Oh wait, not really. But it was fun. Lots of good desserts and lots of salad and spaghetti of course.
That's all. I just wanted to say a few things.

Have a nice day. 

Yes, I’m feeling sad for myself today... and probably for the next couple of days. Wanna judge?
>
2 years already and it still feels like yesterday.

As I was reading through some quotes about dads, I found one that I feel fits perfectly...

"It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." -Anne Sexton

My dad struggled through life. Don’t we all though? I think the hardest part of it all is the fact that it was just starting to get really good for him. He had moved from Utah to AZ to be with us girls. He lived with Steph and Kevin for awhile before moving to Paulden to be with us. David’s dad had given him a great opportunity to work doing what he loved, excavating. He was an expert on the backhoe. Ross (David’s dad) had also given him keys to his own place, a trailer out on the property he would be working on. My dad was so excited. He called me while David and I were out of town. I wish I would have saved that message. He told me he was so excited to start over and that he wanted to take us out to dinner. He told me to tell David he loved him. He also said he loved me. The sound of his voice was different. He really was excited.

Later we found out that Ross was the last one to see him alive. My dad told Ross not to tell me that he was planning on surprising me by going to church. He also said he felt like this was his chance to start new. He was thankful to Ross for the opportunities he had given him.

I truly believe it was his chance. He made a change. I think we all knew that. I also think that’s why it is/was so hard. His life had only begun.

Although my dad worried a lot, I love what his voicemail said, "Don’t stress." What a sweet reminder.

Although I don’t have a lot of memories of him (or my childhood for that matter), I do remember some things. I remember him taking with me on drives. I remember getting to ride the backhoe with him and telling everyone that I wanted to be a construction worker like my dad. I remember building a snowman with him. I remember going to McDonalds with him to get dollar double cheeseburgers. I remember his moccasins. I remember the smell of coffee, vanilla and cigarettes.  I remember him laying on the bed in Stephs house and me laying in the crevice of his arm as he watched the game. His "girly drink", a vanilla cappacino. I remember him coming home from work, me so excited that I heard our song that day.  I remember when I found him, the old school music playing, the dart board up and the scriptures in his bag.

Just one more memory. This one comes from today. Lately, David and I have been leaving the radio on at night for background noise. Well, this morning  I got up to go pee. It was three a.m. I came back to the room and guess what was just starting on the radio? Red Red Wine. That’s our song.


Yay. 

It’s like a breath of fresh air being on the world of Myspace. I missed it. Here’s what I learned:
1. I spent a lot of time on here.
It was a weird feeling to get on the computer for the day and have nothing to check but my gmail. And then I was done. Oh so boring. But I survived AND I started a new blog.  The address is www.thenicklefamily.blogspot.com  . I wish I would have named it something different because it’s really mostly about me. And Jackson. But you should check it out and if you have one too, let me know.
I can’t believe I didn’t get on myspace for a month and a week. I’m not prideful or anything. Oh wait, yes I am .
I love everyone. Except nasty b!tche$ who write nasty text messages. Sorry Mormons for the bad word... and it’s even Easter. I hope the Lord will forgive me.

Well I’m gonna go eat cake that Alyssa so generously shared with me. I’ll write some more later. 

If I seeee anotherr Myspace profileee with words that end or contain 4 extra letters in them, I'm going to puke. Don'tttt you knowww how to spelllll? And what is the pointttt? Not only does it take a lot of extraaaaa effort, it makes you looooookkk stupid. And yes I'm talking to you, and you, and you. But not you, if you don't do ittttt. AHHHHHHHHH stab me please. Or at least drill a hole in my head like the guy did to that girl on House tonight.
I'm sorrrrryyy I complain so much. Sometimes I do write blogs about happy things. Like the cinnammmoon twists Mil made tonight. Yum. 

It was a good time too. They are all pink and stuff. It looks like I have makeup on. But just on my upper brow (that I have now). I'm so excited to see that I have eyes. I have manbrows but because they are so light, you can't tell. Now don't even think about staring at them when you see me. Because I will know.
I'm a little bit mad at david right now. We went to dinner tonight with the missionaries. And I didn't want to drive home so I went to sit in the back seat with Jackson. I told Elder Knecht that he had to sit next to me (Holdaway was in the front). And so David threw this big fit. And so did I. I wasn't willing to budge. He tried to pull me out and I just held on. It was so fun. Oh wait. No it wasn't. It's not ANYWHERE in the white handbook of rules that a missionary can't sit next to a girl. I even told him that I wouldn't try and touch his inner thigh or anything. Ugh. I hate Mormon culture.
Other than that, I am totally not excited to talk in church. well I am a little bit. But mostly not so much. It's a good time. I'm talking on enrichment. Cool huh?
Well, I think I'll go for now. My hands always get super cold when I write blogs. I don't know why. I love Myspace. I want to have a party. I'm starting my diet for SURE tomorrow.

Yay! 

So we are here in AZ. It's Christmas day number 2 and I am happy. We are here with the Nickle clan. It's always such and adventure being here. I love it. I love it because all the kids play together and they entertain themselves. Even Jackson already loves his cousins.
Let me please just rant a little bit about the whole experience in the airport. Okay I won't really. But I kind of will. We got up at 3 thirty in the morning. We went from Williamsport to Philly and did not get on 2 flights there. We finally got on one at like five or something. We didn't get into Phoenix till 11 or so. It was a good one. At least we are here now.
I like people that respond to blogs. Not just mine, anyone. Thanks to people who responded to my sex one. I like talking about it. I'm open and if anyone wants to chat, I'm available. Not in the sense that I'm available available, but I'm available to speak to you.
Well, it's time for me to go eat more Christmas cookies (that I made). It's crazy because there are 13 kids that are staying here right now, but right now there is none. I'm going to bask in the quietness.

Happy day to everyone. I love this day.