Saturday, February 17, 2024

Where I'm going next, I don't know. But it isn't here. Here metaphorically. Or maybe realistically. 

I miss my kids. I miss them as babies. It's wild to think how asleep I was back then even though trying my darndest not to be. I wanted to do things right for my kids. He did too. I think we did okay him and I. Our kids are evidence of that even though they might be a lil' sweary (but they know to read the room!)  

I miss him SO much right now. The way he knows me how no one else does. But he doesn't know me now. 

I'd like to get to know him again someday. Who is he now? I'm super different. And the same. Think about 14-year-old you. Who was that human? Do elements of them remain? I think so. I remember those days' feelings, specifically thinking about the night of my mom and stepdad's reception. I was 14. I'm 40 now. It was one of those catalystic moments that in reflection, blows my mind. 

How for every action there is a reaction, right? That's just science. Or is it? 

I don't believe in coincidences anymore. 

Synchronicities. Divinities. Idk.

My mom was alive in 1998 on that summer evening in July at the Larson's in Paulden, AZ. Mmmm... I only remember a little about that night, walking with my older sister's bestie Chance down the road which was dirt at the time (it's paved now). There's a large dip and I remember walking and noticing how bright it was because of the (mother) moon. Because I like to gaslight myself sometimes for fun, I just looked it up and it IS true. She (the moon) was 92 percent illuminated that night. I was a city girl at that point so I noticed I could see shadows out there in the rural countryside of northern Arizona which was rare because #citylights (which I also love sometimes)... I was grateful to be with a human who felt safe to me because what was out there in the shadows? Coyotes that might eat me? Ha.  Thanks for being that person Chance. It's funny because I was recently moving photos from a very old plastic container full of real, color photos to a new one because the old one was cracked and falling apart. Out fell pictures of Chance on his mission which he sent me because we were pen pals a few times back and forth during those two years. It's interesting at this moment to see how he was a lil' gift from the universe to me and I don't think I realized it until now. He is sprinkled throughout the memories of the various step and almost-stepdads as a beacon of hope that good men do exist. 

David remembers that moment too albeit from a very different perspective. Ha. I can't remember how he tells it but he saw me walking with Chance and he remembers Chance's arm around my shoulders. We laughed about a few times throughout our relationship.  

I can't stop thinking about that... perception... how two or more people can witness the same exact moment in time and walk away with very different versions of the same thing. 

He admits to judging me a little bit that night. He pegged me for That Girl. You know that one, or at least you do if you grew up as a Mormon. Or anyone part of a group of people who see it as us/them. Anyway, little did he know and little did I know. 

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Or at least, how THIS one does. I suppose the term 'writers' is pretty exclusionary so we'll call it ...How People Who Exist in Colder Climates Keep Their Fingers Warm in the Winter While Typing/Writing. 

  1. They don't. But these are the techniques that sometimes help. They:
  2. Do Sun Salutations or some other form of movement
  3. Borrow their child's heated blanket and take turns putting one hand under the blanket at a time. Con: Typing with one hand 
  4. Do the dishes in warmer water which is a two-for-one. Con:  Extra already-dry hands
  5. Keep a heater on their desk pointed at the computer. Con: Hot electronics, cold feet
  6. Gloves? Con: Gloves hardly work for me 
  7. Shower. Con: Bad for the environment 
  8. Old school blowing into a fisted hand. Con: Super temporary relief 
What did I miss? Also, should I probably be putting periods at the end of those? Someone tell me. This would be my Google slash AI search, "Should I put a period at the end of a list of things when there is more than one sentence/idea per number?" No wonder AI likes me. lol. So initially I did have periods but then second-guessed myself and I'm just gonna leave it although I think it's wrong. Halp friends. 

Photo by Rishabh Dharmani on Unsplash

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Cole gave me a planner about two years ago for my birthday. The cover is faux pleather gray and features rose gold embossing of a crescent moon with rays coming from the top and some constellations underneath, also embossed in rose gold. It's spiral-bound.  It's also undated. This goes great with my inconsistency in using a planner which I've always wanted to be different. I used to think I hated undated planners but I was wrong about that and turns out, lots of other things too. Ha. Anyway, I found this page in that planner dated (via the opposite page) May 2022 and it made me laugh and almost cry. I did those things, y'all. I did them all. 

The words on the right are from the G Flip song I Am Not Afraid which quickly became my anthem. Follow me on Spotify so we can share music. It's my love language. One of them.

I can't wait to tell you more about all that but it won't be today. It was that month (May) I showed up solo to ecstatic dance in the park in Manitou Springs and met some stellar humans who also introduced me to the drum circle that would forever change mi vida (my life).