My thoughts for the night/morning.

I love myspace because my blogs are so real here. I feel like I can say anything and it's okay. Is that so weird? Hmmm...
David is asleep on the couch. Snoring. He just started this new fad. I'm not a big fan which is why I have started using ear plugs again. He blames it on the allergies or something. Should I not say that here? Is that an embarrassing thing? I don't think so. I love you honey.
I feel like I am super happy with the inner changes I am making with myself. Although I'm going through a decision making time, it's okay. I am at a turning point here. I feel like I can't have both. What's that saying? You can't have your pie and eat it too. Ooooh  Iwant pie right now. Too bad we don't have a Denny's or something. I would go get some. Crap. Now I'm in a bad mood cause I have no pie or even ice cream. Or even cookies. Ugh.
Anyway, it all has to do with church. Don't worry, I'm not going anti or anything, but I am doing some soul searching. I am so frustrated with the way it is for me right now. I know some things for certain. That Jesus Christ lived, that He died for me. I believe in the Plan of Salvation. I know the priesthood is here on the earth. Joseph Smith restored that priesthood  to the earth. He didn't do it alone, he was the instrument that brought it about through God and His son. What's most important to me though, is that I know that God loves me. My relationship with Him is the most vital thing to me right now. Which is where part of my struggle comes in.
I feel like so much of the focus in actual church is not on that relationship, but more on other less important things. Some may claim otherwise, but I hear what I hear. I am listening too. I'm trying not to be "hard of heart" as well.
I also realize, re-reading the above above paragraph, I cannot change the fact that God is a man, that the priesthood is given to men, and that our church is led by men. People again question God being a man, but if you believe in the Bible, you know He is. That's not the big deal, it's the other patriarchal stuff. I truly struggle with that. We're told once in a great while how wonderful we are as women in the church, but we're not told enough and we're not treated as we should be. Instead we are told we should be better homemakers, and helps to our husbands. Bleh. Seriously, Mormons who read this, think about the last time you were told how divine and truly vital you are.
I am teaching in church on Sunday (how ironic right?) and I found the ONE talk that mentions what I am talking about. Jeffrey R. Holland says, "Everything Christ taught He taught to women as well as men. Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman, occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator."
If this is true, why are the differences between us (women and men in the church) so extreme?
Anyway, on to more exciting things. Jackson is turning 1 tomorrow. I can't believe that in a couple of hours, the one year anniversary of my water breaking will come upon me. Seriously, reliving that memory is not something I like to do. If you have ever had your water break unexpectedly you know what I'm talking about. I felt like a child who couldn't stop peeing her pants excessively. You should have seen me standing in the elevator of the hospital not wanting to come out for fear that everyone would know that I was leaking everywhere.  Awful. It wouldn't stop either. I was scheduled to go in that morning to be induced but little baby Jackson had his own plan which is why I got surprised at 2 in the morning with my wetting of the bed (okay, my waters breaking).

I love everyone. I'm going to buy more people. 

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