HER FIVE CENTS

I'm serious when I say this is the best neighborhood I've ever lived in. That might offend some of you because I may have been your neighbor in a previous era of my time on earth. However, where I live now has established itself in the most coveted spot of Best Neighborhood In My Life.

The view from 200 ft above our neighborhood. Photo cred: Derik D.

David and I have a conversation every so often about how he likes the country but could be happy in the city but he doesn't usually like "cookie cutter houses" and suburban neighborhoods. However, I think living on name removed because OPSEC has changed his views although I won't speak for him. I on the other hand, LOVE the idea of neighborhoods just like ours where everyone knows everyone and there's no drama. Who cares that our houses are pretty much exactly the same? Who cares that The Other Side has a front AND backyard (rude!)?

I mentioned to a couple of friends recently that I really believe in that whole "village" idea. Where we all help each other out and that's kind of what we have here. There's usually someone every day who needs to run to the store, or finish charting, or make dinner, or go to the bathroom alone and we all pitch in to watch the kiddos while she (or he) goes and does that. It's so lovely.

What I'm feeling extra sad about is this chunk of happiness time is dwindling for me. I know that's a terrible way of looking at it (half empty much?) but I can't help but be super depressed about it. It comes up in daily conversation for me and my frens here on name removed Strasse.

I'm really starting to feel it because The Originals (sorry newbies) have slowly started (or have already gone) to PCS. I was actually supposed to be one of the final 4 to leave. That's changing*.

I'm going to miss community potlucks and egg hunts and Halloween parties. I'm going to miss you-cook-tonight-and-I'll-cook-tomorrow nights. I'll especially miss sitting outside on the green chairs (or the brown ones if I can convince someone to bring them over) and listening to Eric or Chris play the Uke (am I trendy enough to shorten that?). I'll miss those warm summer nights spent outside until 1 a.m. when it's finallllllly cool enough to go inside and open the windows again. I'll miss Thirsty Thursday's in my backyard drinking Diet Beverage with whoever is out that evening.  I'll miss baby showers, birthday and welcome/goodbye parties. I'll miss toys and chalk everywhere on the street. I'll miss sending my kids to their best friends houses which happen to be a few yards away in any direction. I'll miss my own best friends being a few yards away.  I may even miss those annoying as hell 2 a.m. doughnut-doers in the Edeka parking lot. Nah, I won't miss them.

I meant for this to be a funnier post but it kind of got serious and sentimental. I tell you, it's the nature of this Army life. Because it got all emotional, I'm feeling like I need to put together a Senior Slideshow like we had when we graduated. I think I might do it. lol. I'll add some good music and it will make everyone, or maybe just me, cry. Maybe the Sophomores and Juniors should do it for us? Yeah. I'll make the President tell them to do it. We totally have one of those even though she kind of refuses to do her job. Who cares that she was elected unofficially? lol.

I love every single one of you! Even the ones who have already gone. I'm talking to you Christina, Yvonne, Tasha, Krysta and Stacey and your spouses/kids.

*Stay tuned. I'm not going public till it's official. Edit: It's become official. But if you don't know where we are going you aren't a true friend or you don't read my blog enough. jk.

Oh the craziness that is family. We all know it. Whether we have one sibling, none or maybe eight, it's all the same. How is that? Oh I know, it's called relationships.

We've had a bit of a lot of crazy in ours lately. But especially today and this past week.

David said to me tonight, "I feel like my family has forgotten about me." He didn't say it in the poor me fashion that is so common, but more matter-of-factly. He went on to mention how we've been surrounded by his, and my family for so long. Now that we/he is down here at Fort Huachuca we are kind of left to fend for ourselves. Although I've been feeling like I've been doing that for awhile. With my friends too.

I really super believe in the following saying:

How true is it?

The other day, the one I just posted about (baby shower/birthday weekend), I had set it up with some good friends of mine to watch the kids and clean my house. I confirmed two days prior and the day of. I dropped my kids off to the friends after attempting to take them to the location of the baby shower to set up and it failed, and promptly got a call about a half hour later asking when someone would be by to pick them up because they had to go to Costco. Scuse? I was super confused. I reread my text messages to make sure I didn't make up what they had said 2 hours previous. I was right.

Then, there was a miracle. Like my friend Jessica always says, there is always a miracle.

My dad showed up to pull/burn weeds. Oh and this is because my crappy neighbors told my other neighbors they were going to call the fire department on me because they were a fire hazard. I told this straight up mean woman that it was very hard for me to do yard work with an 18 month old constantly at my feet. She's a beeyotch. (The neighbor. Not Nevie) Plain and simple. I said in my head, and this is truth and probably really rood, that I hope she dies soon. She is old and crotchety and is really just a Mean Girl.



So anyway, he came to help me and it was seriously timing from God. I know it. Because he showed up RIGHT as I received the text and had called the girl who was at my house. She said, "your dad just showed up." So then I called him and he, being the sweet amazing man he is, said it would be no problem.

All was well. But it was not well for awhile. That was the most insane weekend of my life. Because after that day, the next day was the party. But before "next day" as my kids say, it was previous night. And previous night was spent up with two of my good friends. We were chatting and having a push up contest and being jolly. 2 a.m. was the time that we attempted sleep. And attempted it was because we have a Nevie still. A Nevie who woke up many a time during the morning (yeah 2. a.m. is morning remember?). The sun rose early that day I think.

So, while I absolutely love my family, they all showed up right on time! You may think, 'why is this a bad thing?' It's a bad thing because I was in my pajamas when they showed up. With no makeup on and much to do. I feel like it's maybe kind of a nice thing to do to show up to a party your sister/daughter is hosting a teensy bit early to maybe well, help? Steph, don't tell me this is one of those expectation things because I very much didn't have it in my head that I would have extra help. It only occurred to me that very morning when people were showing up and I still looked like hell. So after throwing on clothes, and some mascara, I sat down and let my sister rub my shoulders (this made up for the non showing up early) while watching friend do my dishes. I apologized later to her because it didn't even register that there I was, literally staring at her doing my dishes.

I can't wait to start my own "The Farm". I know that's not how I should say it, but it's funnier. Have you read Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin? She started a farm, that's what they call it. And it was a group of people who, to put it simply, helped each other. Kind of like the Law of Consecration in modern day. Except in the 70's. I already have plans for my own. I hope you'll come. I call being a midwife! And the party planner! And the restaurant owner! lol. Joking. But serious.

So anyway, I don't know the true point of all of this. I mostly wanted to get a tiny bit of it off my chest. I've just been feeling burdened by the feeling of aloneness even though I'm really not. Maybe one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn is that of reaching out. Reaching out to ask for help. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to rely on the Lord more.

I know one thing my sister mentioned as a very valid point is maybe it's my time to move on. And while I know it's happening, I wasn't prepared for it to happen this early. David and I are going places. Literally. I've been feeling somewhat homeless lately, and like I've said to many of you my friends, is that I am alone in Paulden, and I'm mostly alone here (at Fort Huachuca) because David has school/work alllll day. And for a long time and I don't have friends here. So it's just a lot of aloneness except for my sweet kids who can't quite talk to me about this frustration. lol.

This is not Lisa's pity party. This is Lisa's space to process. Where I get to tell you all my feelings. Anyway, so there you go. Do you feel alone sometimes? Do you wonder why you have family/friends sometimes? just kidding. I would never do that.

It's that time of the month. Where I hate everyone and everything. But mostly just my husband. Poor guy always gets the short end of the stick. It's cause he lives with me.

I also happen to be going through a break-up. A break-up with a friend. I finally cried a bit about it today. Only a little and not enough. Enough to give me the after-cry puffs but not enough to feel completely released.

I forget that this is a loss. A loss that requires a grieving process. I can't remember all the steps but it seems that whenever I'm about to move on, something interrupts me. Usually a text message.

The saddest, most difficult part for me has been the fact that she and I have had so many experiences together. Ones that bind you. And it's hard to let go of that. Not that I have to let go of the experiences themselves, but I can't have those memories be the things that leave me hanging on.

I'm reading this book (it's totally worth the download) and I read this quote and I felt like it pretty accurately described what's happening in my life.


"I feel like Amy wanted people to believe she really was perfect. And as we got to be friends, I got to know her. And she wasn't perfect. You know? She was brilliant and charming and all that, but she was also controlling and OCD and a drama queen and a bit of a liar. Which was fine by me. It just wasn't fine by her. She got rid of me because I knew she wasn't perfect."

I'm not saying all of it's exactly true in the case of my life but it does fit pretty dang well. I'm sad. I used to be mad and angry. But now I'm just sad.

Then David had a serious talk with me and as part of it he said something to the effect of, "it seems like you are unhappy with yourself and that's why you hate everyone." And at first I was mad, and then I was like yeah, that totally makes sense.

But then today (this post has been in progress for like a week) my friend said, "Are you unhappy with yourself? Or your life? Or your friends? I think those are all very different from each other. I'm always ok with myself, but my life and lack of close friends makes me sad mad rageful."

And this made sense. I tried to explain to David that part of my craziness has to do with the fact that things are super uncertain at this point. Like we don't have dates for his BOLC or for anything. I don't know where we will be in a month let alone in a week! And I've been comfortable for the last 3 years in our routine. So that's hard.

Then there's the upset with the friend situation.

I also hate myself. As in, my physical self. Ugh. That's so hard to admit. Because it means being accountable. And I totally am. I started somewhat of a secret Instagram where I'm documenting my progress via pictures. I'm also on MyFitnessPal. I don't really wanna be friends with anyone cause I don't want them to see my weight and stuff. Depressing. Although I am happy to finally be doing something about it.

This is kind of a lot of sad stuff. What do you do to cheer yourself up? Where's your happy place? Is it Target like it is mine? Or maybe it's Wal-Mart (I'd judge you only a little. lol). Tell me.

This was actually supposed to be a picture of grandma and the grandkids in the background but it ended up being a good one of my man.

Yesterday I started this post via my phone app about my feelings about David leaving for LDAC. But when you're on your computer apparently you can't see the phone posts. Whatever. I'll be using that site to stay updated. The LDAC one. You can too.  It's interesting because I don't remember much of what I was feeling yesterday (which is why I made the post). I'm feeling today: Sad

I'm actually super glad the time is finally here cause I always have a bit of anxiety up until he finally leaves. Do you realize he has left me for at least a month for the last 3 years? No big deal right?

This summer will be a different story. Nevie is in a different phase of life. One where she doesn't want to take naps and wants to follow me around like crazy. Like a crazy little puppy. It's endearing and also a little bit.... hard to do anything.

I'm also feeling annoyed. At the flies that have taken over my life. They aren't usually this bad until like July. So why are they crazy gross everywhere? It's like I live in a super dirty house. Oh wait, I do.

I also think it's because I have chickens. And kids. And food everywhere. Ew.

I'm sweaty. And have to go take care of kids. They are in the bath and only long enough for me to write this.

I have his address. Do you want to write him? Send him packages? I want you to. And he does too.

I'm thankful for everyone's support. I love ya all! SO much!

I actually need to write real quick about a person I am so grateful for lately. Her name is Caden (am I allowed to say that out loud?) Anyway, we met at the military ball only a few months ago and became instant friends. Her hubby was/is in the Army with David and we tease them all the time that we haven't met before recently. She's been a blessing. We're both going through this new Army life together and it's been nice to have her. Ugh. So lucky. She also happens to be beautiful so I feel thankful she is even my friend. Cause she's the popular girl at school. You know what I mean?



 

It rained today. Rained like it should have rained a long time ago. What? That doesn't even make sense.

Cheyenne went with me today to Mingus Springs  Charter School where I (well Jackson) was turned down for admission. That was before I name dropped. "Oh, well my mother in law who is on the school board mentioned she thought there was space here." "Who is your mother-in-law". "Jolyne Nickle." "Oh well Dawn will give you a call on Monday morning to let you know if that has changed.". I'm hoping for a call on Monday morning with some "changes".

Then we went to Davids school where I had to run into a building to drop off a copy of our tax return. Well that wouldn't be a problem normally but it was pourrrrrring rain. The kind that soaks everything. So I ran into the fancy financial aid building where there were several people. Staring. At me. Thinking I was crazy for being there. Remember how David goes to a fancy school? Yeah. Those people were wearing suits. Waiting for the rain to stop before they went out. And here I came in.  I kind of loved it. It's refreshing to get soaked from rain.

So then the lady at financial aid tells me that she definitely doesn't need a copy of our tax return but some other fancy thing I have to order from the irs.gov website. And that David needs to fill out this specific form and return it to her. I had previously told her that David was in China and then I said, "Well what if I was lying before and David is actually in the car?" And she was funny and understood what I was saying and in case you don't, I was asking her if I could forge his signature and bring it back later. She said yes. lol.

We went back home and Jackson really wanted to play in the mud. So he got to.



He said, "Mom, the mud feels so good on my feet." It was totally cute.

Trish and I cleaned out the garage a bit. But then we got tired and came inside to eat. Now I am here. I ate two dinners tonight. It was awesome.

I love my neighbors. And you!

6:30 a.m. and Jackson comes in. He asks for the chocolate he knew Grandma had left for him the night before. I told him that it wasn't time to wake up. 6:35 a.m. "Is it time to wake up yet", he asks. I tell him I have my alarm set and when it goes off, that's when we wake up.
6:42 a.m. "Can we have chocolate yet?" "Not yet."
6:45 a.m. "Is it time yet?"

Do you get the picture?

So I got out of  bed promptly at 7 o'clock a.m. on Mothers Day Sunday morning so that I could get Jackson his chocolate.

My angel of a mom came over to help me get the kids ready for church. Sadie complained of being tired. Jackson of being cold. Because of these tragedies, they couldn't eat their breakfast.

So we got dressed. Jackson would only get dressed when promised that he could watch the 1980's version of the Transformers show. He loves it. Sadie only wanted to wear the purple dress that Chocolate Milk Grandma (Jolyne) got her. She didn't want to wear her flip floppy shoes becase they are too hard to walk in.

We made it out the door. We were on time.

Even with a husband this never happens. Its my mom I tell ya. She's awesome.

They sang "Mother I love you" in sacrament meeting. They have been practicing all week long. It was adorable and lovely. One of my favorite things is Jacksons long drawn out notes at the end of a verse or song. Apparantly kids stare at him in Primary. I'll beat some kids. Ugh. That's why I don't want him to leave home. I want to protect him from rood kids. I'm gonna be that mom that everyone hates. Yup. I can see it now.

Anyway, we survived all of church. I didn't have to do anything except hold my baby. Talk to my mom though, and she'll tell you a different story. She had Sadie in her lap the whole time and got lucky enough to be called on to substitute last minute. So fun. She came out from church and said she was exhausted. I get it!

Currently Jackson is making up his own version of  "Heavenly Father has sent me to you." This line is being sung in somewhat of a rap form. I like it.

It's only been a week of him being gone. I am surviving. In fact, I'm grateful. No I'm not. Not yet. But I am learning.

I love my kiddos. Jackson and Sadie are drawing in his Phineas and Pherb notebook. Without prompting Jackson drew this:



Then he said, "This means choose the right". Omg. I'm so excited. Thank you Primary! He loves the song that goes with it. I'm seriously jumping for joy. Well not literally, because that would be ugly. But inside I am. I see these little milestones every day with him and Sadie both. It both delights me and makes me SO sad. Can't they be little forever?

Sadie has a mouthful of corn.