I Can't Tell Whether It's Depression or PMS


It's that time of the month. Where I hate everyone and everything. But mostly just my husband. Poor guy always gets the short end of the stick. It's cause he lives with me.

I also happen to be going through a break-up. A break-up with a friend. I finally cried a bit about it today. Only a little and not enough. Enough to give me the after-cry puffs but not enough to feel completely released.

I forget that this is a loss. A loss that requires a grieving process. I can't remember all the steps but it seems that whenever I'm about to move on, something interrupts me. Usually a text message.

The saddest, most difficult part for me has been the fact that she and I have had so many experiences together. Ones that bind you. And it's hard to let go of that. Not that I have to let go of the experiences themselves, but I can't have those memories be the things that leave me hanging on.

I'm reading this book (it's totally worth the download) and I read this quote and I felt like it pretty accurately described what's happening in my life.

"I feel like Amy wanted people to believe she really was perfect. And as we got to be friends, I got to know her. And she wasn't perfect. You know? She was brilliant and charming and all that, but she was also controlling and OCD and a drama queen and a bit of a liar. Which was fine by me. It just wasn't fine by her. She got rid of me because I knew she wasn't perfect."

I'm not saying all of it's exactly true in the case of my life but it does fit pretty dang well. I'm sad. I used to be mad and angry. But now I'm just sad.

Then David had a serious talk with me and as part of it he said something to the effect of, "it seems like you are unhappy with yourself and that's why you hate everyone." And at first I was mad, and then I was like yeah, that totally makes sense.

But then today (this post has been in progress for like a week) my friend said, "Are you unhappy with yourself? Or your life? Or your friends? I think those are all very different from each other. I'm always ok with myself, but my life and lack of close friends makes me sad mad rageful."

And this made sense. I tried to explain to David that part of my craziness has to do with the fact that things are super uncertain at this point. Like we don't have dates for his BOLC or for anything. I don't know where we will be in a month let alone in a week! And I've been comfortable for the last 3 years in our routine. So that's hard.

Then there's the upset with the friend situation.

I also hate myself. As in, my physical self. Ugh. That's so hard to admit. Because it means being accountable. And I totally am. I started somewhat of a secret Instagram where I'm documenting my progress via pictures. I'm also on MyFitnessPal. I don't really wanna be friends with anyone cause I don't want them to see my weight and stuff. Depressing. Although I am happy to finally be doing something about it.

This is kind of a lot of sad stuff. What do you do to cheer yourself up? Where's your happy place? Is it Target like it is mine? Or maybe it's Wal-Mart (I'd judge you only a little. lol). Tell me.


  1. I hate shopping, so my happy place isn't either of those. My happy place is out on my porch (we call it the healing porch) visiting with a friend for an hour or two. That's the most healing for me, even if my friend is really struggling and it's more about her venting. There's just something about two souls really connecting that heals me.

    You described well the dissolution of a friendship I experienced a while back. It was tough. I'm going through another friendship evolution right now, but this one I'm more comfortable with. It did bring tears though. I felt better after I talked about it with some friends and cried a bit. Of course, there was ice cream involved.

    I'm sorry there are so many stresses in your life right now: uncertainty, the friend thing, hormonal changes. Really, it's no wonder you're stressed and feeling it.

    Pick a good cry movie (we watched Beaches yesterday for just this purpose). Cut up your favorite raw vegetables and/or make some air-popped popcorn without butter or salt. You can eat as much of those as you want and not feel guilty. The crunching is a soothing thing because it uses energy. And just cry your eyes out without shame. And some good sleep. I hope you can do that, too, although it's trickier.

    I hope the black cloud goes away soon. Until then, maybe you need some Happy Bunny to make you giggle in a mean way. It works for me in that mood.

    Oh, I also have a list of angry songs I play really loudly when I hate the world. Most Alanis Morissette works. Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses. Dirty Deeds by AC/DC. Dirty Laundry by Don Henley. Witchy Woman by The Eagles. Cold as Ice by Foreigner. Just a Girl by No Doubt. Little Black Backpack by Stroke 9. Things like that. Seriously, they help.

    In fact, I think I'll go listen to some now.

  2. Hey Lisa,

    Sorry to hear life is hard right now. Best wishes in "the break up" and praying for you and whomever "she" is. I HATE going through that. I've been through "friend" things way too many times.

    My happy place? It may make you laugh, or you may want to come take my temperature.:) I really love being productive. Cleaning my house. Keeping to myself. If I'm totally depressed, I am quiet and don't say anything. Except to my journal so I can work through it while I write it down. Seriously. That helps a ton! I also exercise. Things that make me feel like I'm doing good and helping the things that I'm frustrated about. And if the temple was closer, I'd be there in a heart beat. When I went through that terrible hormonal time of mine (my miscarriage in 2009), the temple was within walking distance. I went pretty much every day. I honestly have no idea how I could have gotten through it without the temple. Some day, darn it, we'll be closer. For normal usual hormonal issues, I just try to curb my cravings and eat healthy although all I want is chocolate. ;-) I also love playing the piano. Maybe you can find a talent of yours that you enjoy doing that helps you through it since you don't play the piano. You have SO many things you do really really well. There's got to be something in there that could help you. I pretty much avoid social situations if I'm down. That's just me though.

    Best wishes. If you need to talk, I'm here. Love you.

  3. Love you Lisa. I would love to spend more time with you and help you in any way you need... Name it and I'm there. So sorry about feeling down. Take care of yourself.

  4. Love you Lisa! Whenever David tells me that I need to go "take a break" for an hour or so, I always go to Target. :-)