HER FIVE CENTS

I went back and tried to find the right post to share on Instagram so those who are newerish to my life understand what I'm talking about when I'm all vague and sappy on my other social media's. It's been awhile since I wrote about what happened this weekend 11 and 12 years ago. 

12 years ago I married my boyfriend! 😍

11 years ago my dad died. 😢

The whole awkward thing is because we're not actually sure when my dad died. You see, my dad had recently moved to where we lived to work with David's dad. It was his first weekend there. David and I took off to celebrate our one year anniversary and didn't return until the weekend was over. That's when we found him. They (I don't even remember who decides these things) allowed us to pick the date. I didn't want to share that anniversary with my own happy one. This makes for awkward feelings during the 25th and 26th of each year. 

It's been more difficult this time around for some reason. Not to say the last 10 years haven't been hard but I feel like I'm particularly sensitive this year. I'm going to blame This Is Us for the initial wave. I cried hard and ugly that episode. I thought I had it out but then tonight I was searching for new-old pictures to share of him. We've kind of been recycling the same 7 pictures over and over. I found some really special ones. In fact, they were the first photos I even looked at amidst the rows and rows I have tucked away in my garage. #thanksUniverse

The very first one I saw was this one: 

 

I decided to make it huge because I love it. I LOVE it! It's so beautiful to me. I know it takes away from it to talk about it but I have to. Because I need you to see what I see. I see the beautiful mountains of Utah. I see my dad in his blue jacket. I see his extremely long legs. I see his hat. I see him in a backhoe digging. #happyplace

I am really emotional because David isn't around. I know I'm not practicing OPSEC right now but I kind of DGAF. That's a lot of acronyms. This has been the longest we haven't talked since forever ago. I'm thinking mission long ago. And it's only been one week. Listen tho, I can handle him being gone. I can do that for much longer. But he's my guy. You know? I need him! Gross. That's really needy-sounding. Truth is, I just don't WANT to do life without him. These daily hardships and goodships are not as exciting without having him to share them with. Ugh. We're all struggling this time around. Even the kids are which is not typical. They're usually very resilient and handle it much better than I do. I think it must be the age. We all miss our Dad's! 

Now for Pics because they do much better talking than I do. 

Sitting face to face with my friend talking about suicide really brought a damper to my night. Firstly because I'm struggling with depression myself and secondly because I really care about this girl.

She told me she had made up her mind. That there was no changing it. She's not forthcoming about anything so of course I had to drag it out of her. I asked her what she had made her mind up about... that she wasn't going to cut anymore, that she was going to stop NOT eating, that she was going to try and get help?  I went through a bunch of possible scenarios. But it was the suicide guess that caught her/my attention.

I reminded her of a conversation we had last week. We sat in my van one night. She was in the drivers seat. I was in the passengers. We talked about how she had come to recognize that she did indeed have a problem and it was not something she could control. It was a pivotal moment. She was finally able to step outside the situation and look in on what was happening. I told her I wanted to remember this moment because surely she would need it sometime soon.

Well tonight is the night. And I reminded her and she said something I believe those of us with mental illness can totally relate to, and that is, "But I'm so tired." YES! That! I'm so tired too. Tired of being tired in so many ways. Mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.

Anyway, I sat there and cried in front of her. So many tears fell down my cheeks because I couldn't bear the thought of her killing herself. I was so angry really. Well sadness in the form of anger. Sad that she would do it and not think of the consequences it would bring to those around her.  It was soon after that Jackson walked in and called her by name and said, "Will you come lay with me?"

I GET depression. As in, I totally understand it. I've struggled with it for many years. There's that wonderful article floating around titled, "Mothering with Mental Illness". It's TOTALLY worth the read. I think it pertains not only to mothers, but anyone really. Please go read it. For my sake.

My message tonight is one of reprimand and also love. I want to put out a reminder that mental illness doesn't just affect you, it affects everyone around you. I'm saying this as much to myself as anyone else. It's sometimes a daily struggle for me. Then I sit back and remember that I have 3 beautiful babies that suffer from my depression if I don't do anything about it. Let's each take the time to practice self-love and do something for ourselves to make it better. There are so many resources available. If you need some, let me know. As Olivia (the author of that lovely article above) stated, "... there is a stigma about mental illness. A stigma that shouldn’t exist. It shouldn’t exist because people with mental illness did nothing wrong. It shouldn’t exist because people with mental illness should be encouraged to seek help." I echo those words. I agree with them.

And like she said, you are not alone because you know about her, and now you know about me too. There's at least 2 people on your side. :-)

The Scream

So many thoughts in my mind right now.
If I had to say everything in a few short sentences Iwould say,

Dad died 6 years ago.
My anniversary is tomorrow.
I'm having a baby any day, but probably in like 2 weeks
My swankles bug me.
I hate people (women) who don't stand up for themselves.
I'm thankful for (SOVERYMUCHSO) long distance friends. They are my besties.

Lots of big, heavy things Ithink. This stoopid laptop doesn't like to put spaces between the words when Iuse the letter I. I'm serious. I'm not gonna fix it anymore.

I've said so many times over, and talked about it so much, the death of my dad. One of my sisters said she was having a particularly hard time this year. Itotally get it. Ihate to be that vague girl when Isay that there are some familial things that make is especially difficult this year. Is it hard to take me seriously when Iwrite things and don't put spaces between them? It's annoying that the I makes me do that. Look! A Space!It did it on its own. Ithink it's trying to tell me something? Does anyone want to analyze for me? lol.

My dad was that super laid back guy. Iloved his voicemail greeting, "I'll get back to you. Don't Stress." Love it. Don't stress. Don't stress people! It's not even worth it. But it's pretty much all Ido nowadays.

I'm Movin' On came on my iPod (it was on shuffle) as Idrove into the sunset. It was quite awesome. To all my friends who have lost a parent, I'm thinking of you! And aware of you!

With death comes reflection. I know guys, it's a serious one.

I'm mostly reflecting for my mom-in-law who has lost both a brother and a mom very recently. I am not sure how she still functions. I guess with the hope we have it's understandable. But it's still so hard.


How it would be if my dad were still here. How he would probably LOVE to sit on the couch and watch that show with Jackson. Because my dad loved his kids and he loved his grand baby (the only at the time was Emilee). It kind of makes me sad.

So this post is my sadness post. Usually I remain really positive about it all. Because I know deep down that my dad is SO much better off where he is now. We went through his stuff after he died and there were MANY  medical notes from doctors explaining his need for a wheelchair. I never saw him in one. It was as if he were trying to keep it a secret that he was in so much pain. But he did write in his journal about how it was hard for him to do even the most simple of things.

I opened my dad box today. The shirt still smells like him. I open it very rarely to preserve that very smell.

There is a letter I'd like to share. My dad tried for many many years unsuccessfully to apply for disability. The fact that I still have this letter says something too. (I've shortened it. It's 4 pages long!)

To Whom it May Concern:

Please be advised that I am writing to certify to you that Ron Schultz is permanently and completely disabled from performance of any of the most sedentary tasks because of the following severe and serious conditions. I will detail clinical means, which enable me to reach these conclusions.

The patient has a number of severe orthopedic concerns.

Bilateral feet; the patient was born with severe bilateral club feet for which he has undergone a number of procedures including 6 surgical procedures on his right foot and seven on his left foot.

Although he has had significant procedures on his feet he has not been relieved of constant disabling foot pain. This pain is bilateral. This is aggravated by even the shortest of walking or standing. He has numerous scars and significant deformity of both feet.

A second orthopedic issue is his right hip, which has had a total hip replacement. He underwent right total hip arthroplasty in 1998 at the age of 43. This was done secondary to severe degenerative changes in his right hip. Although the procedure was performed technically well Ron continues to complain of right hip pain and inability to ambulate significant distances. The hip combined with the feet provides Ron very little ambulatory capacity.

A third orthopedic issues is his lumbar spine. He has had chronic pain for a number of years. It progressed to the point of intolerable discomfort. He has had significant treatment with conservative care including medication, anti-inflammatory medication, physical therapy on several different occasions, home exercises, water hydrotherapy and a lumbar stabilization program. He has undergone lumbar discogram showing concordant pain concordant with his MRI of degenerative disc disease of the lumbar spine. He has had the inability to perform even menial tasks secondary to his lumbar pain.

A fourth orthopedic issue in his right shoulder. The advanced osteoarthritic changes have produced bone on bone x-ray images. He has undergone subacromial decompression with mild improvement initially but eventual degenerative symptomatic changes. He recently had a significant hematoma evacuated by his right shoulder. This was in August of 2002. He continues to have significant shoulder complaints and problems. Range of motion is reduced and motion causes significant pain.

A fifth issue although not orthopedic is his cardiac status. He has had a mitral valve replacements. In conjunction with this, he also underwent pectis repair with placement of rods and eventual removal of his chest rods. Significant surgical scars are evident on his chest. He takes Cumadin currently for his cardiac status.

The last issue is bilateral knee degenerative changes. He has undergone several arthroscopic debridgement of both knees and told by his orthopedic arthroscopist that bone on bone conditions exist in both knees and that he will eventually have to undergo bilateral total knee arthroscopy.

Because of the above-mentioned serious conditions, which are totally supported by, accepted clinical methods I conclude that Ron Schultz is totally and permanently disabled and unable to return to gainful employment even in the most sedentary type of conditions. His condition if he tries to work can realistically be to result in increased further incapacity. Safe time factors for sitting and standing should be kept under 15 minutes. The same restrictions also pertain to standing and walking. Certainly no activity involving lifting and climbing, walking should be undertaken.

Sincerely,

The Doctor

What surprises me most about this (or maybe not) is that my dad didn't not want to work. He loved construction work. He MORE than loved it. It was his passion. So he did it even though it's probably what caused so many issues for him. I think it got to the point for him though, that he just couldn't do it anymore. And finally, after years and years and years of constant pain he applied for disability, was turned down many times, and go it eventually. Just before he died. Sad.

Anyway, this post is mostly for posterity. I just want to remember all these things and keep them in my heart (and on this blog).