Why I Feel So Awkward Today

I hate and love today and tomorrow. It's this weird limbo. 

I went back and tried to find the right post to share on Instagram so those who are newerish to my life understand what I'm talking about when I'm all vague and sappy on my other social media's. It's been awhile since I wrote about what happened this weekend 11 and 12 years ago. 

12 years ago I married my boyfriend! 😍
11 years ago my dad died. 😢

The whole awkward thing is because we're not actually sure when my dad died. You see, my dad had recently moved to where we lived to work with David's dad. It was his first weekend there. David and I took off to celebrate our one year anniversary and didn't return until the weekend was over. That's when we found him. They (I don't even remember who decides these things) allowed us to pick the date. I didn't want to share that anniversary with my own happy one. This makes for awkward feelings during the 25th and 26th of each year. 

It's been more difficult this time around for some reason. Not to say the last 10 years haven't been hard but I feel like I'm particularly sensitive this year. I'm going to blame This Is Us for the initial wave. I cried hard and ugly that episode. I thought I had it out but then tonight I was searching for new-old pictures to share of him. We've kind of been recycling the same 7 pictures over and over. I found some really special ones. In fact, they were the first photos I even looked at amidst the rows and rows I have tucked away in my garage. #thanksUniverse

The very first one I saw was this one: 
I decided to make it huge because I love it. I LOVE it! It's so beautiful to me. I know it takes away from it to talk about it but I have to. Because I need you to see what I see. I see the beautiful mountains of Utah. I see my dad in his blue jacket. I see his extremely long legs. I see his hat. I see him in a backhoe digging. #happyplace

I am really emotional because David isn't around. I know I'm not practicing OPSEC right now but I kind of DGAF. That's a lot of acronyms. This has been the longest we haven't talked since forever ago. I'm thinking mission long ago. And it's only been one week. Listen tho, I can handle him being gone. I can do that for much longer. But he's my guy. You know? I need him! Gross. That's really needy-sounding. Truth is, I just don't WANT to do life without him. These daily hardships and goodships are not as exciting without having him to share them with. Ugh. We're all struggling this time around. Even the kids are which is not typical. They're usually very resilient and handle it much better than I do. I think it must be the age. We all miss our Dad's! 

Now for Pics because they do much better talking than I do. 

I have this one titled "Chillin Like a Family" 

This is the one that made me cry. It has tape on the back from where it sat in his car visor. It smelled most definitely of Vanilla and it's all crinkled and well-loved. 

Steph has nose plugs of course. But how cute is this?

Ugh. Makes me cry too. Regardless of where they were in life, they always loved each other. I'm SO thankful for that. 

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