.png)
Saturday, February 17, 2024
Where I'm going next, I don't know. But it isn't here. Here metaphorically. Or maybe realistically.
I miss my kids. I miss them as babies. It's wild to think how asleep I was back then even though trying my darndest not to be. I wanted to do things right for my kids. He did too. I think we did okay him and I. Our kids are evidence of that even though they might be a lil' sweary (but they know to read the room!)
I miss him SO much right now. The way he knows me how no one else does. But he doesn't know me now.
I'd like to get to know him again someday. Who is he now? I'm super different. And the same. Think about 14-year-old you. Who was that human? Do elements of them remain? I think so. I remember those days' feelings, specifically thinking about the night of my mom and stepdad's reception. I was 14. I'm 40 now. It was one of those catalystic moments that in reflection, blows my mind.
.png)
How for every action there is a reaction, right? That's just science. Or is it?
I don't believe in coincidences anymore.
Synchronicities. Divinities. Idk.
My mom was alive in 1998 on that summer evening in July at the Larson's in Paulden, AZ. Mmmm... I only remember a little about that night, walking with my older sister's bestie Chance down the road which was dirt at the time (it's paved now). There's a large dip and I remember walking and noticing how bright it was because of the (mother) moon. Because I like to gaslight myself sometimes for fun, I just looked it up and it IS true. She (the moon) was 92 percent illuminated that night. I was a city girl at that point so I noticed I could see shadows out there in the rural countryside of northern Arizona which was rare because #citylights (which I also love sometimes)... I was grateful to be with a human who felt safe to me because what was out there in the shadows? Coyotes that might eat me? Ha. Thanks for being that person Chance. It's funny because I was recently moving photos from a very old plastic container full of real, color photos to a new one because the old one was cracked and falling apart. Out fell pictures of Chance on his mission which he sent me because we were pen pals a few times back and forth during those two years. It's interesting at this moment to see how he was a lil' gift from the universe to me and I don't think I realized it until now. He is sprinkled throughout the memories of the various step and almost-stepdads as a beacon of hope that good men do exist.
David remembers that moment too albeit from a very different perspective. Ha. I can't remember how he tells it but he saw me walking with Chance and he remembers Chance's arm around my shoulders. We laughed about a few times throughout our relationship.
I can't stop thinking about that... perception... how two or more people can witness the same exact moment in time and walk away with very different versions of the same thing.
He admits to judging me a little bit that night. He pegged me for That Girl. You know that one, or at least you do if you grew up as a Mormon. Or anyone part of a group of people who see it as us/them. Anyway, little did he know and little did I know.
Thursday, February 10, 2022
|
| Photo of the Salt River in AZ. Taken by me |
Ahhhhhhh... This feels like home y'all! I've fought myself over it but this IS the place for me. I've been blogging over at Medium, and in my journals on actual paper (say what?). It's time to focus my effort here for now. As you can see, I've made a few changes and will continue to make a few more as I go.
I'm writing this post mostly for myself. And for the AdSense people who, when going over my blog for monetization, discovered they had no idea what the eff this place is about. I get it Adsense friends, I do. As you can see, I haven't posted anything since 2018. Just like most of us, life got and continues to get real crazy especially with Rona.
SO
Here's what to expect moving forward:
- Writing/Blogs on
- kids/motherhood
- unschooling/worldschooling
- relationships
- spirituality
- cryptocurrency/blockchain/NFT's (I'm learning so much about this right now)
- creative endeavors
- nature
- And lots of photograpy. I take way too many pictures I do nothing with. Lame.
In development:
- A T-shirt collective. If you'd like to be a part of it, let me know. There are three levels of participation available. Please hit me up if you want in. So fun.
- Courses on starting your own crypto/nft journey.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
I'm torn between:
Blogging here versus on Medium. I think I have a small readership here and over there I'm just beginning.
Keeping my kids in school online at home, or going back to more traditional homeschooling slash unschooling
Being totally transparent about the real things in my life and keeping it between me and those involved. ha. #vague.
What to be when I grow up. SO many options here.
Wanting another baby or not doing child-rearing for at least 18 more years.
Buying a house I kind of like right now or waiting for one that might be everything we ever wanted.
Taking a nap right now or accomplishing more tasks.
Can you help me with these things? As in, can you make the decisions for me? lol.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Just a few minutes ago I was laying in my bed with David on one side, Sadie on the other side of him on the floor, and Nevie on the floor next to me. Nevie asked if she could hold my hand to which I said of course. David then slowly and delicately clutched my hand and brought it closer to his body. As I lay there, thoughts of love and peace came quickly into my mind as I smiled gently and squeezed the hands of those of whom I was holding.
Jk. This is not that story.
This is not the story of the awareness I have for people who may never get to experience the blessings I have in my life of children and a husband who love me. I think of those people every day. But this is not that story.
Behind the scenes, I was desperate for escape. I thought about waiting until they had all fallen asleep to make my way back into the comfort of my cave in the late night (the living room) but Nevie seemed to tire of holding my hand and she let go. Phew. I thought it was a sign from mini-Pope. So I gave David a kiss on the cheek mouth and came down to my sanctuary.
Today has been a particularly rough day. Not because my children are bad. Not because anything went wrong (although I have some words for the customer service of Skype) but because I need a break. I need a break from the mundane. I need a human-free escape. No offense. Kind of.
I was going to message my friend and tell her I was having a mental breakdown and that I was telling her because then if I did actually have one, people might think I was less crazy because at least I acknowledged it. Right?
I homeschool my kids. I'm mostly with them 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. It's hardly less than that. I've been struggling with that lately. I need something that is all mine. I want a class. Or a night of the week. Or 1 hour every day. And sure, it's totally up to me to create that space. But is it? Because it seems like when I do, something inevitable happens. I want the universe to create it for me. Is that too much to ask? lol.
I mean my kids are old enough to fend for themselves when I need to pee. Yet it still happens to be the most popular time of the day. I literally don't get two minutes to myself and this isn't a Basic Girl use of the word. It's literal. Except not really because there are times when I am cleaning the kitchen and for some reason, no one wants to be around me then. I guess I should change it to, most of the time I don't get two minutes to myself.
For now, I'm going to soak up this time late at night when all is quiet and watch the show that makes everyone cry. I really like that story.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
David picked me up and we went to the pharmacy for really expensive ibuprofen and needles. Chelsi has graciously agreed to be the person to give me my shots every night. I can thank her for not getting blood clots and dying. Thanks Sis. 
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
That's what my birthday consisted of. Happy times spent with 3 kiddos and candles that wouldn't blow out. They're Jacksons favorite.
I slept in till 7:45 a.m. and then hung out in our hotel home. I received some gorgeous flowers. Delivered to my door.
I used to not appreciate flowers. I used to think they were such a waste of money. That was back when I would have rather spent money on shampoo and conditioner. It's the same now, but I'm somewhat desperate for thoughtful things. And that's what they were. thoughtful. And beautiful. Daisies and a rose and pine. It was a wonderfully winter spring happiness bouquet, In a vase that I get to keep! I think that's secretly my favorite part. lol. Then David showed up at the door with Starbucks and we went to lunch. I chose Panda Express. It was a bad idea. Because I maybe had some issues after we got back. I won't go into detail about that because it's gross. Now you're already thinking about it. Sorry. Anyway, I felt sick pretty much the rest of the day. I didn't even finish my Starbucks. It went in the fridge after David showed up because I like to save it for my midday snack,
David got home early and because I was so sick, I was desperate for a smoothie. Like a delicious Robeks smoothie. Nah. They don't have anything like that here .So I settled for Cold Stone. hahaha. Not even the same thing. Because I didn't even get a smoothie, I got a shake. It did the trick though! I felt better.
We had a cake when we got home. Yes, with the unblowoutable candles. It was fun. David had to put them out pretty quickly. we were both afraid that the fire alarms in the hotel would go off. He said he totally wouldn't claim it if they did. I agreed.
A couple days ago I got this computer I'm typing on right in this instant. It was my birthday present. I named it LisasFabTab. Cause its' got a keyboard, but the screen detaches and becomes a tablet. I don't even use my mouse because I can just touch the screen. It's fancy. I decided to do in this blog post, 30 things. I was going to try and do one memory/unnecessary fact per year of my life. But I barely remember that. So I'll just write whatever the crap I want. And I'm really doing it for posterities sake. Sorry you have to read it. Skip it if you want to.
A Timeline of Events Not on Facebook
- I was a giant baby.
- I have giant babies. A 9lb 3 ouncer, An 8lb 7 ouncer, and a 9lb 1 ouncer. Hueff.
- I've had chicken pox. Its one of the few memories I have as a child
- At the tender age of 5, I cried when people found out my dad smoked. I lived in Utah at the time. Enuff said. Right?
- We lived in the same trailer park in Utah as some family friends who we would live next to 15 years later in Arizona. They introduced my mom to my stepdad. And me to a friend who changed my life!
- If I could read all day long, every day, I totally would. You might call it an obsession. I'm not well read though. I just read what I like. This started in 3rd grade with Mrs. Peterson and her reading road.
- It was around this age I moved from our single wide trailer park house, to a 3 story home. Mom, how did that happen?
- That day, my sisters and I met our soon-to-be best friends.
- My sister dared me to punch that best friend in the stomach and run away. I think I did it.
- My sisters and I started our own library. It was in our room and it cost $.10 to rent a book.
- We moved to AZ when I was 11ish. That summer holds record temperatures.
- I used to babysit for my 5th grade teacher. Looking back, he may have been a chomo. lol.
- I tried out for the cheer team in Mesa. And made it. I would have been going into 9th grade. We moved that summer to Paulden AZ. I was pissed.
- BUT! We made it a big deal to get in touch with the coach at the high school. I tried out and got to be captain for I think the Freshmen team. I cheered at a Varsity game that fall with another JV girl when there was only 1 varsity girl who could cheer.
- I met David while I was sitting on the grass at the church with my good friend Savanna. I don't remember it.
- I do remember however, swearing I would never date him. HAHA!
- I took a trek across the United States with him and his family in the summer of 2002. We kissed in every state. Holy cow. Don't tell his parents! Sorry mom and dad!
- My assigned roommate at NAU my freshmen year became one of my best friends. I still call her my roommate. There shall never be any other roommate.
- I have a Bachelors Degree
- David proposed 5 months after he got home from his mission. We were married 3 months later. But remember, this had been a long time coming.
- It was a year to-the-day later that my dad died. We picked the day before as his day of death because we aren't sure when it happened, and because I didn't want it to be on my anniversary.
- We moved to Pennsylvania and lived in the apartment below the one where David spent 10 months of his mission.
- My mom, dad and sister came to visit and it was during that time I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea. My mom is the one who suggested I take a pregnancy test.
- Blogging became an integral part of my life around this time. I just got my freakin' blogs back from Myspace.
- I'm starting to get wordy. But this is fun.
- My friend Jaime, whom I met in college through my roommate (see #18) lived in NY at Fort Drum. I went to visit her because she was a mere few hours away. We were both pregnant at the same time.
- We moved back to AZ and had a neighbor whose dog hated everyone. Except Jackson. She would let Jackson get right up in her face.
- Sadie and Jackson are 17 months apart. I was lucky enough to have most my sisters present at her birth.
- All my babies have been born rather quickly. Nevie included. I'm lucky. Genevieve wasn't even in our list of ideas for names. But we just knew.
- This year has been more of an adventure than any other so far. By far one of the most challenging for me personally. David graduating, David gone for a month, then home, then gone. Living in a hotel, living at home, and turning 30! All crazy.
Social Media
Search