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Considering Death and Considering Others

Thursday, October 31, 2013
Sitting face to face with my friend talking about suicide really brought a damper to my night. Firstly because I'm struggling with depression myself and secondly because I really care about this girl.

She told me she had made up her mind. That there was no changing it. She's not forthcoming about anything so of course I had to drag it out of her. I asked her what she had made her mind up about... that she wasn't going to cut anymore, that she was going to stop NOT eating, that she was going to try and get help?  I went through a bunch of possible scenarios. But it was the suicide guess that caught her/my attention.

I reminded her of a conversation we had last week. We sat in my van one night. She was in the drivers seat. I was in the passengers. We talked about how she had come to recognize that she did indeed have a problem and it was not something she could control. It was a pivotal moment. She was finally able to step outside the situation and look in on what was happening. I told her I wanted to remember this moment because surely she would need it sometime soon.

Well tonight is the night. And I reminded her and she said something I believe those of us with mental illness can totally relate to, and that is, "But I'm so tired." YES! That! I'm so tired too. Tired of being tired in so many ways. Mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.

Anyway, I sat there and cried in front of her. So many tears fell down my cheeks because I couldn't bear the thought of her killing herself. I was so angry really. Well sadness in the form of anger. Sad that she would do it and not think of the consequences it would bring to those around her.  It was soon after that Jackson walked in and called her by name and said, "Will you come lay with me?"

I GET depression. As in, I totally understand it. I've struggled with it for many years. There's that wonderful article floating around titled, "Mothering with Mental Illness". It's TOTALLY worth the read. I think it pertains not only to mothers, but anyone really. Please go read it. For my sake.

My message tonight is one of reprimand and also love. I want to put out a reminder that mental illness doesn't just affect you, it affects everyone around you. I'm saying this as much to myself as anyone else. It's sometimes a daily struggle for me. Then I sit back and remember that I have 3 beautiful babies that suffer from my depression if I don't do anything about it. Let's each take the time to practice self-love and do something for ourselves to make it better. There are so many resources available. If you need some, let me know. As Olivia (the author of that lovely article above) stated, "... there is a stigma about mental illness. A stigma that shouldn’t exist. It shouldn’t exist because people with mental illness did nothing wrong. It shouldn’t exist because people with mental illness should be encouraged to seek help." I echo those words. I agree with them.

And like she said, you are not alone because you know about her, and now you know about me too. There's at least 2 people on your side. :-)

Crap I'm Loving AND Hating Today

Monday, October 28, 2013
Loving:

1) Sears Automotive Service (Um $21 for an oil change? Yes please. PLUS they gave me a coupon for $5 off my shopping in-store. I HIGHLY recommend it. David even said you can't even buy all the stuff to do it yourself for that cheap. Eeee). ooooh! Plus, they totally fixed the stuff that Wal-Mart started. I hate Wal-Mart.

2) Smash* books. It's totally the lazy-womans version of a scrapbook. I super believe in them. I have started collecting them. Don't be surprised if you get one as a gift. They're THAT cool. I have zero books completely finished. Here's one of my kind-of-finished pages.

3) DoTerra Oils. Pretty much enough said. I'm so thankful I have the capacity to be my own doctor and have it be healthy style. Sadie just told me she loves the smell of the DigestZen I just put on her belly. Which is kind of surprising because I think it's gross (it's the black licorice smell which is fennel and anise that throws me off). My kids beg for me to put em on them. Happy! If you want to order some, let me know. Happy to help! 

4) My Neighbors. The Staggs. They have helped me SO much in life. Especially lately. It's okay, I got steak and cheesy broccoli soup and baked beans for dinner. Last night it was ribs and a baked potato. Delivered to my door. Hot. Yeah. I know right? Also, sometimes I have Cheyenne (daughter) come over and put Nevie to bed because Nevie loves her. The other night Nevie cried when she had to come back to me because Cheyenne had to leave. It was heartbreaking as a mother to experience that. But I'm happy I have someone that I can count on who loves and takes care of my kids. No, you cannot have her phone number. lol. 


5) HuluPlus. Right? Need I say more? What are you watching? Right now I need/want girly shows. I've contemplated watching Gossip Girl from the beginning. I'm loving Nashville and Grey's Anatomy. Check out this song from the most recent episode. Of course when I went to buy it, it's the only one not available right now. lol. 


Now onto the things I'm hating.

Pretty much just Wal-Mart.

That's it. lol. So can you help me with shows to watch? Girly style and a tiny bit smutty which equals dramatic. What are you loving and hating? 

A Blog About Jaime

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Back when Goodwill had handwritten tags, my friend Jaime purchased these earrings. It was during a time when she was staying with us for a minute when her husband was deployed for the second time. It was the day after we ordered Dominoes Pizza online and watched our pizza be made step by step. For two easily distracted/amused ladies, this was gold. Anyway, back to the earrings.

So I have kept them for oh, 3 years because when she left, she gave them to me along with a bracelet i think because she didnt have space or realized they were kind of ugly. She probably doesnt even remember this but I do. I didnt give any significant thiught to what they would do for me in the future. Little did i know. At the time I thought they were weird looking but I couldn't bear to toss them.  Thankfully I didn't. Because well, they are in style now.

Hahaha. You were probably hoping for a "they changed my life story." I'm so rude. Anyway,  they really did brighten my day today in a way that was much needed.

I didn't change out of my pajamas nor do my hair today. You can see in the picture that I'm wearing what looks to be a t-shirt but I will not confirm that. I have been feeling particularly down so seeing the earrings in the pile of tampons and travel sized soaps Nevie took one-by-one out from under the sink, really made me happy! They were even attached to a yellow tag! Yellow sunshine tag. So I put those earrings on with my may or may not be t-shirt and my may or may m ot be super greasy hair and I went out. To Safeway.  But i felt pretty. Seriously. Weird.

I couldn't help but start singing the Macklemore song. Edited of course. Always edited.

Anyway, jaime, I have so much I want to say to you. I was also tempted to post the picture I have of you in your undies. Oops. But ill save that for later. I love you.  Thanks for the fish earrings. You are oFISHally the best person ever.

Dumbest Day Of My Life

Monday, October 21, 2013

Don't worry. Its 12 a.m. and I just got home. I brought Nevie in who was sleeping and then woke up promptly when I tried to put her in her crib. Then came Sadie who went down fine. Then there was Jackson in the backseat of the van. I had to wake him up.  I couldn't carry him. He didn't want to wake up.

This is all on the day of David leaving for stupid BOLC. Training.  In Fort Huachuca. I suppose it could be worse, he could be out of state. But that's not the point. The point is that I cannot do this again. Its too fuggin hard. I mean, for realz? I'm already sooooooooooooooooo over this.

I want to put a CLOSED sign on my house and my brain and my body. The demands are too high right now.

I couldn't do anything but cry when David told me he is at a hotel off post because the ones on post are full. He said its not luxury but just great for his standards. All I see and hear in my mind are the words hotel, sleep, no kids, sleep, bed to oneself, quiet, sleep peace, laptop, tv, alone, sleep. I'd give my right boob to have a hotel room. Of my own.

I know what you are thinking and I don't need you to tell me. So don't. I can already hear the words my mom would say, "he's doing this all for you. Hes perfect." I know that. Okay? I get it. But that doesn't make it easy. In fact last night my mom said that he is good and I am evil and we compliment each other. Can you tell how good I'm feeling about myself? 

I tried to make it a successful day by hanging out with friends and doing fun things all my kids did was complain. I'm tired of it. Sooooopeer over it.

Don't forget i just had major dental work.done and my mouth hurts like a mo fo.

I'm writing this all down because its hard. And when I learn the lesson I'm supposed to from this,  I want something to look back on and laugh at. But for now, ill keep crying. 

On The Governtment Shutdown

Monday, October 14, 2013
I was about to write a rant about the governments involvement in school lunches but then I couldn't. You see, I went to visit the Choosemyplate.gov website and unfortunately saw this:



Lucky us! I'm so glad that running a website costs so much money. Whatever. I hate everyone. Maybe it's meant to be. You should go read the sweet letter from President Obama. Here. Here's a link. You're welcome. Ooooh. But wait, that might cost too much money. So it might not be available in which case, You're welcome.

Phone Messages That Are Amazing

Friday, October 11, 2013
I caught this gem for you. So here's the story behind this guy. We used to have a sticky note taped to the computer with his number on it and a message that said "don't answer this phone number". He calls us all. the. time. Well, okay, he used to. Then he stopped for awhile. He started again.

He called me yesterday and we got cut off. Thankfully I remembered the number and didn't answer. Then he left a message. I have transcribed it here.

The story is this. He thinks we are going to come to his house, to pick up his cans, and give him money. Eh. No. We've tried explaining how number 1, we don't offer recycling in his area and number 2, if we did, he would pay US to come take it to the recycling center. We've also given him the number to the recycling place if he wants to take it himself. Phew. Exhausting.

Here's the message:



Yeah sorry um, okay what I say, ooh yeah oh yeah.  I was talk to you, you know, I think we got cut off. So I understand you don’t pick up cause then I’d have to pay you. You know.  Basically in my bank account actually  I have $2,035…$35,000. Its all in my bank account. So um, well what I could do is actually, I would have done this yesterday um, drive to your recycling company, but I forgot about it. Um I could do it ummm maaayyybbee (in a really high voice) um…. I could do it right now.  So I could drive there you know . Drop the cans so you know,  You give money to me.  Everybody be happy. Okay, so what I’m gonna do is  I’m gonna drop off my can at recycling company. I’m going to go inside and say I’m here for soda cans. I’m here for my money. So.  Shoot in a way yes. So.  Okay? Okay. Bye. 

True statement. Lucky you. And lucky me to have participated in this conversation. 

So You Wanna Be A Part Of That Facebook Group?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

In the past 2 months I've experienced some drama in groups on Facebook. As an administrator of a pretty successful yard sale group, I understand "what it takes" to run one so I've wondered why there are other groups out there that make it so difficult to be a part of or even join them.


I'm part of a mommy group where like-minded women come together to discuss many things, usually of an organic nature. Not always though, as there was one mom who posted a picture of her babies balls. It got reported by one of the members and it caused QUITE the uproar within the group.  I'd like to quote what someone said to one of the admins because it makes sense to me.

"Whomever reported the photo, they obviously didn't feel safe to talk to an admin or the person first. That is sad to me. I do think that posting photos of genitalia is NOT ok, even in a private forum-theres no such thing as internet privacy (even banks get hacked and they have more security than Facebook). Had a report been made to police, we all could have been in trouble, with who knows the consequences or investigation, ya know? I realize the mom needed help for her little guy but I think describing the issue would have been better. It's sad to me that everyone was criticizing the photo being flagged and removed. Shouldn't it be okay that someone was clearly uncomfortable with it for whatever the reason? Instead of the group coming together and being adults about it, it turned into a drama fest with rude remarks, anger and contention" 

I'd also like to make the point that what if it made someone really uncomfortable because they don't like pictures of baby balls for whatever reason?  

I added the bold letters. Because that's my point of this blog. Facebook groups trying to gain/have privacy is a joke to me. No such thing. ****update: I've been deleted from this group!****

So. Another group I am a part of, which I really like but am really frustrated with? It's a charter group of a larger organization whose purpose is to provide support for... "cesarean awareness, birth advocacy and avoiding unnecessary interventions."

I got a "shout-out" on the group page to check my other box on Facebook for a message. That message told me to fill out a survey or I was going to be deleted from the group. I fought about it. Because WHAT? I was mad. Boo. Still kind of mad. So then I got a private message from an admin explaining why I HAD to fill out the survey. Don't tell them though, they haven't deleted me yet although I have been very adequately warned that it would happen. GRRR

THEN! Ugh. Are you tired of this yet? Cause I am. I have been trying to join this dang wives of Italy Facebook group. Ha. It's not called that. It's some wives of the army people in Italy something group. I can't join that group either until I freaking send them a copy of David's orders. Are you effing kidding me? I mean, clearly I want to be a part of this random Army wives group of Italy so I can steal personal information from the people therein. I mean, I had already given this admin his order date, his incoming unit and whatever else. The thing is, I'm not even sure SHE is legit. I mean, there's no grammar in her messages. I think she might be a robot. 

I'm going to start my own dang Army Wives of the Army Guys That Live In Italy. And it's going to be open to all people. Bleh. I'm just pissed because all I want is information. And support! I have no idea what the crap I'm doing and i can't even get army wives to help me. So mad.

 Therefore I decided it's about freakin' time someone talked about the REAL deal behind joining a facebook group. It's not as easy as it seems. I'll outline the 5 easy
steps you have to take in order to join those "Closed" Facebook groups

1) Provide your name. This is pretty easy since your name shows up when you ask to join.
2) Provide your date of birth. This is necessary since they may need to know if you are in the right age group for the topic at hand. For example, let's say you want to join a group of middle-aged chess players in the Seattle area. Well, you can't be 80 and be middle aged. Duh. It's a matter of filtering.

This is when it starts to get tricky.

3) You'll need to provide your social security number. For obvious reasons.
4) Offer up your first born child as collateral. Just in case. There may be exceptions. Second-born children are also an option if the first child is difficult.
5) Provide a blood sample. You'll have to go to the nearest laboratory and have a sample taken and then sent to your prospective groups administrator. This is to ensure privacy and safety of all the other members.

And that's all! That's all it takes. No big deal right? Good luck and let me know if you need any help with that stuff. As an admin, I can't help you.