HER FIVE CENTS

This super happened to me today. I spent about an hour going through all the feeds of Facebook life to find this foto. And then I edited it. Because if you are new to reading my life, I spell things differently than others. Rood is one of those words. So don't be rood about my spelling.

Not only did this happen, it happened as I was pulling up to the gate at Fort Huachuca. Not only did it happen as I was pulling up to the gate at Fort Huachuca, it happened as I was blasting Missed Calls by Mac Miller. Edited of course. Boo. I had to turn it down at the very best part.

Guess what else? I got picked for a random car inspection!!! Yay! Wait, what? No. They totally segregated me and had me pull into the lane that was next to the long line of other cars so easily going through the gate after their ID check. Smooth sailing for them. I hope they enjoyed gawking at my beautiful red hair because I was totally trying to hide my face.

If we think about the details of what happened in the picture above, and if they were counting cars, then technically that rood person in front of me would have been picked for the selection instead of me. And the funny thing is I was totally going to be the person that sped up and didn't let them in. Because 2 stoplights back from where the line is for the gate, you can see which lanes are open. So I'm a freak and get in the right lane WAY back so as not to avoid the awkwardness that happens when people don't. pay. attention and they're stuck begging for mercy at the very last freakin second.

So I was just stopped. By myself. They checked my license, my military ID, my insurance, my registration and checked for drugs and other paraphernalia. They also patted me down. Just kidding. About the pat down anyway.

I'm exhausted from all of that hard work. I made it up to myself and listened to this song on the Eminem CD I own. This song actually made me cry. I couldn't find a good version to share. So I guess you'll be left wondering. Sorry about your life. If I can find it, I'll share it on the Facebook of life. In the meantime, don't be a lame driver please? Me and your fellow drivers will appreciate it so much!

I was driving north on highway 89 where the construction is. I was reaching for French fries when I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed some crappy person tailing me like crazy. And then the lights went on. Not the ones in my head, but the blue and red ones.

So I pulled off the side of the road and had a brief panic attack in just enough time for the nice man in the tan uniform to come to my window. It was already rolled down and I already had my registration and proof of insurance in my hand.

The lights from his car reflected nicely off of his molestashe and the shadow from his Stetson made it even creepier.


"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No I don't."
"Do you know what the speed limit is through that construction zone?"
"No I don't" These were all truths to me. Because lesbi honest here. My heart was racing and I was trying to figure out if maybe I flipped him off, or if I was swerving from French fry reaching or what.
"It's 35. You were going 57 when you passed me. Did you see me parked on the side of the road?"
"No I didn't." Again, you probably think I'm lying. But deep down to the core of my heart I. had. no. idea I was going so fast! I was going with the flow of traffic. I promise.
"I'm gonna need your license."
"I actually don't have it. But I know my number and I ordered my license online yesterday."
"What happened to it?"
"I have a 2 year old."
"Do you have the email?" At this point I was already desperately trying to search through my inbox to find it. I couldn't think straight and I"m pretty sure I searched for things non related to the AZ Department of Motor Vehicles and Service Arizona. I couldn't even think of those words.
"I'm looking for it."
"I'll be right back."

So he walked away and then I started crying because in my head I was wondering why in the eff this was happening. I had 3 kids in the car, we'd been on the road for oh about 7 hours. and we were tired. Plus my van smelled like fast food. Was that not enough?

He walked back up to the van and I showed him the email.
"How long will it take it to get here? Oh I see it says 5 days. You really should have gone into the building itself to get a copy."
"My husband is in the military and we are between houses right now. Plus I have 3 kids."
"I could ticket you for not having your license and you'd have to go in front of a judge with proof. Of course by then you'd have the license,"
"Yeah and I could tell you you're an idiot because I've done everything in my power I can do. I've ordered it. Paid the fuggin $12 and I know my license number!" I didn't say that.
"Well try and keep it out of your kids hands. Because you really need to have it on you. I'm just gonna give you a verbal warning today. But watch your speed. Especially because you have kids."
"Thank you so much."

SO! The new me would be so grateful for the great luck I had in not getting any sort of ticket. I didn't even get a piece of paper! I got off sooooo nicely. And I'm truly thankful for that.

The devilish side of me wants to say what a dum guy he is. This is why law enforcement has a bad name. Because of people like him. He made his point the FIRST time he told me I needed to have a copy of my license on me at all times. He didn't need to tell me how I need to keep my purse out of my kids hands or how I needed to go into the building and blah blah. I did the best that I could as a normal human being. For realz

He was the nicest dickiest cop. There. I'm still sad angry though. Because like I said before, I know what's in my heart and I wasn't trying to be an idiotic non safe driver.

I hope instead of pulling innocents over, he finds the chomos his mustache takes after.

I've thought about keeping a journal about all the super crappy things that happen to me on a daily basis. It's not like, world shattering stuff, it's more like I'm-going-to-jump-off-a-cliff-if-this-happens-again kind. And I mean that in the least suicidal sounding way. Once again, I will remind you I am somewhat of an exaggerator in my speech/words/thoughts.

So here's a short list of the mighty stupid things that have occurred or KEEP occurring, just in different forms.

• When I first got here to Fort Huachuca (I think I told you about this), got the kids out, myself out, and walked to the distance to the commissary door to find out it is closed on Mondays. What?

• Tried tightening the lace on my moccasins that ALWAYS comes loose and it broke.

• Didn't have a key to the hotel room after getting home and getting out and getting unloaded. At the door of course.

• Went to the FAMILY gym. Where my kids can play right in front of my face and Nevie cried. She could see me and cried. Bawled actually. There were toys. And a Barbie movie. Hysterical.

• Tried to go to the gym every day since being here. Been successful ZERO times.

• Went to the library. This involved leaving post, driving, getting out, getting the stroller all situated and making yet another long walk to the front door. Closed. Apparently EVERYTHING opens later or is not open at all on Mondays. Mondays?? WHYYYYY?

• Got soda/pizza/spaghetti sauce/chocolate syrup/jelly on my white shirt/brand new sweater/fancy blouse. And this is not always my fault. I have kids remember?

• Got the urge to go to the bathroom at the most inconvenient time. Again, not always me, but kids too. For example, while we're in Target and looking at toys which, makes everyone mad because no one wants to leave those aisles!



Mikey by Joey Ellis (stickers for Messenger on Facebook) Many of these show how I feel.

• No sleeping. Ever. It's just not a thing here. So there's that, and did I mention how we don't sleep?

• In a hurry, and there's no gas in the vehicle.

• Changed Nevies diaper. And its crappy. And we're on the bed. And she decided to go crazy. White sheets. Yup.

• Went to church. It was Stake Conference. (It started 2 hours before our normal time).

• Changed another one of Nevie's diapers. It was the last diaper. The little closing strap thing... ripped off.

• Decided to go gluten-free 3 days before Thanksgiving. Winner!

Anyway, there is so much to be grateful for. But that's why all 834 of your friends are doing "30 Days of Thanksgiving.". lol.

I too have much to be grateful for. And I am. I'm just not talking about it right now. :-) What are you maybe not grateful for? Or what are you so thankful for? Tell me!

Oh the craziness that is family. We all know it. Whether we have one sibling, none or maybe eight, it's all the same. How is that? Oh I know, it's called relationships.

We've had a bit of a lot of crazy in ours lately. But especially today and this past week.

David said to me tonight, "I feel like my family has forgotten about me." He didn't say it in the poor me fashion that is so common, but more matter-of-factly. He went on to mention how we've been surrounded by his, and my family for so long. Now that we/he is down here at Fort Huachuca we are kind of left to fend for ourselves. Although I've been feeling like I've been doing that for awhile. With my friends too.

I really super believe in the following saying:

How true is it?

The other day, the one I just posted about (baby shower/birthday weekend), I had set it up with some good friends of mine to watch the kids and clean my house. I confirmed two days prior and the day of. I dropped my kids off to the friends after attempting to take them to the location of the baby shower to set up and it failed, and promptly got a call about a half hour later asking when someone would be by to pick them up because they had to go to Costco. Scuse? I was super confused. I reread my text messages to make sure I didn't make up what they had said 2 hours previous. I was right.

Then, there was a miracle. Like my friend Jessica always says, there is always a miracle.

My dad showed up to pull/burn weeds. Oh and this is because my crappy neighbors told my other neighbors they were going to call the fire department on me because they were a fire hazard. I told this straight up mean woman that it was very hard for me to do yard work with an 18 month old constantly at my feet. She's a beeyotch. (The neighbor. Not Nevie) Plain and simple. I said in my head, and this is truth and probably really rood, that I hope she dies soon. She is old and crotchety and is really just a Mean Girl.



So anyway, he came to help me and it was seriously timing from God. I know it. Because he showed up RIGHT as I received the text and had called the girl who was at my house. She said, "your dad just showed up." So then I called him and he, being the sweet amazing man he is, said it would be no problem.

All was well. But it was not well for awhile. That was the most insane weekend of my life. Because after that day, the next day was the party. But before "next day" as my kids say, it was previous night. And previous night was spent up with two of my good friends. We were chatting and having a push up contest and being jolly. 2 a.m. was the time that we attempted sleep. And attempted it was because we have a Nevie still. A Nevie who woke up many a time during the morning (yeah 2. a.m. is morning remember?). The sun rose early that day I think.

So, while I absolutely love my family, they all showed up right on time! You may think, 'why is this a bad thing?' It's a bad thing because I was in my pajamas when they showed up. With no makeup on and much to do. I feel like it's maybe kind of a nice thing to do to show up to a party your sister/daughter is hosting a teensy bit early to maybe well, help? Steph, don't tell me this is one of those expectation things because I very much didn't have it in my head that I would have extra help. It only occurred to me that very morning when people were showing up and I still looked like hell. So after throwing on clothes, and some mascara, I sat down and let my sister rub my shoulders (this made up for the non showing up early) while watching friend do my dishes. I apologized later to her because it didn't even register that there I was, literally staring at her doing my dishes.

I can't wait to start my own "The Farm". I know that's not how I should say it, but it's funnier. Have you read Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin? She started a farm, that's what they call it. And it was a group of people who, to put it simply, helped each other. Kind of like the Law of Consecration in modern day. Except in the 70's. I already have plans for my own. I hope you'll come. I call being a midwife! And the party planner! And the restaurant owner! lol. Joking. But serious.

So anyway, I don't know the true point of all of this. I mostly wanted to get a tiny bit of it off my chest. I've just been feeling burdened by the feeling of aloneness even though I'm really not. Maybe one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn is that of reaching out. Reaching out to ask for help. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to rely on the Lord more.

I know one thing my sister mentioned as a very valid point is maybe it's my time to move on. And while I know it's happening, I wasn't prepared for it to happen this early. David and I are going places. Literally. I've been feeling somewhat homeless lately, and like I've said to many of you my friends, is that I am alone in Paulden, and I'm mostly alone here (at Fort Huachuca) because David has school/work alllll day. And for a long time and I don't have friends here. So it's just a lot of aloneness except for my sweet kids who can't quite talk to me about this frustration. lol.

This is not Lisa's pity party. This is Lisa's space to process. Where I get to tell you all my feelings. Anyway, so there you go. Do you feel alone sometimes? Do you wonder why you have family/friends sometimes? just kidding. I would never do that.

I'm part of a mommy group where like-minded women come together to discuss many things, usually of an organic nature. Not always though, as there was one mom who posted a picture of her babies balls. It got reported by one of the members and it caused QUITE the uproar within the group.  I'd like to quote what someone said to one of the admins because it makes sense to me.

"Whomever reported the photo, they obviously didn't feel safe to talk to an admin or the person first. That is sad to me. I do think that posting photos of genitalia is NOT ok, even in a private forum-theres no such thing as internet privacy (even banks get hacked and they have more security than Facebook). Had a report been made to police, we all could have been in trouble, with who knows the consequences or investigation, ya know? I realize the mom needed help for her little guy but I think describing the issue would have been better. It's sad to me that everyone was criticizing the photo being flagged and removed. Shouldn't it be okay that someone was clearly uncomfortable with it for whatever the reason? Instead of the group coming together and being adults about it, it turned into a drama fest with rude remarks, anger and contention" 

I'd also like to make the point that what if it made someone really uncomfortable because they don't like pictures of baby balls for whatever reason?  

I added the bold letters. Because that's my point of this blog. Facebook groups trying to gain/have privacy is a joke to me. No such thing. ****update: I've been deleted from this group!****

So. Another group I am a part of, which I really like but am really frustrated with? It's a charter group of a larger organization whose purpose is to provide support for... "cesarean awareness, birth advocacy and avoiding unnecessary interventions."

I got a "shout-out" on the group page to check my other box on Facebook for a message. That message told me to fill out a survey or I was going to be deleted from the group. I fought about it. Because WHAT? I was mad. Boo. Still kind of mad. So then I got a private message from an admin explaining why I HAD to fill out the survey. Don't tell them though, they haven't deleted me yet although I have been very adequately warned that it would happen. GRRR

THEN! Ugh. Are you tired of this yet? Cause I am. I have been trying to join this dang wives of Italy Facebook group. Ha. It's not called that. It's some wives of the army people in Italy something group. I can't join that group either until I freaking send them a copy of David's orders. Are you effing kidding me? I mean, clearly I want to be a part of this random Army wives group of Italy so I can steal personal information from the people therein. I mean, I had already given this admin his order date, his incoming unit and whatever else. The thing is, I'm not even sure SHE is legit. I mean, there's no grammar in her messages. I think she might be a robot. 

I'm going to start my own dang Army Wives of the Army Guys That Live In Italy. And it's going to be open to all people. Bleh. I'm just pissed because all I want is information. And support! I have no idea what the crap I'm doing and i can't even get army wives to help me. So mad.

 Therefore I decided it's about freakin' time someone talked about the REAL deal behind joining a facebook group. It's not as easy as it seems. I'll outline the 5 easy
steps you have to take in order to join those "Closed" Facebook groups

1) Provide your name. This is pretty easy since your name shows up when you ask to join.
2) Provide your date of birth. This is necessary since they may need to know if you are in the right age group for the topic at hand. For example, let's say you want to join a group of middle-aged chess players in the Seattle area. Well, you can't be 80 and be middle aged. Duh. It's a matter of filtering.

This is when it starts to get tricky.

3) You'll need to provide your social security number. For obvious reasons.
4) Offer up your first born child as collateral. Just in case. There may be exceptions. Second-born children are also an option if the first child is difficult.
5) Provide a blood sample. You'll have to go to the nearest laboratory and have a sample taken and then sent to your prospective groups administrator. This is to ensure privacy and safety of all the other members.

And that's all! That's all it takes. No big deal right? Good luck and let me know if you need any help with that stuff. As an admin, I can't help you.