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These Things I'll Never Say

Thursday, April 29, 2010
This is my second day home in a row. ALL DAY. Alone with kids. David is working working. As in, he can't really leave when he wants. It's sort of crazy. Brings me back to the University of Phoenix days. Those were hard ones. I had Chelsi to keep me somewhat sane.

I want(ed) this right? I do, and I did. I just can't remember what it's like. It's hard!

So far today? Spaghetti spilled. All over. Phone in the toilet. Awesome.

They are eating chicken nuggets right now. Which is why I get to be writing.

I have so many feelings in my head. One specific one? I want everyone to stop bragging about their weight loss. BLAH!

I think my depression is flaring up today. Like it's asthma or something. I'm having a depression attack. lol.


I shouldn't of said that. Because people use it as an excuse for certain behaviors. Someone I know was mentioning something about a friend of ours and said something like, "Well, it's because she suffers from depression." And I wanted to say back, "Uh, you're an idiot."

It's time to watch The Hills. the kids are sleeping.

I Can't Find a Good Title for This Post, Plus I Like Caps Lock

Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I was feeling guilty for not writing enough spiritual things on my blog. Specifically about the good things I have been blessed with, etc. In fact, I spend most of my time complaining on this here blog. 

Then I stopped feeling guilty because it doesn't matter!

My relationship with God is entirely personal and what other people perceive of that relationship is TOTALLY none of their business or mine, for that matter.

I have been reading other peoples blogs about their journey with the LDS religion (most of them on their way out). I think it is entirely interesting. And in a way, I envy them. Not because they are leaving, but because they are doing it for themselves! It's not that they hate the church (they're not bashers), they just are taking the time to explore what their core beliefs are. It makes me feel happy for them. It makes me feel that I am okay for not agreeing with so much of the church culture. And that's what it is for me, culture of the Church.

I can seperate it though. Sometimes my lines cross and I start to wonder what the heck I'm doing, but most of the time I can deaw the line between what is real and what is not. People (especially my non-LDS friends/family) don't understand how I can remain in a religion that I have so many issues with. And that is my answer. I know where my boundaries are. But sometimes my answer is, I have no idea!

My testimony comes from the basics. Jesus Christ as my Savior, God as the Father, Priesthood on the earth today, temple work, blessings of tithing, following the commandments, scriptures, etc.. Sometimes though, I get caught up in drama, but hey, doesn't everyone?

As for now, I'm in.

Fat Girls

Friday, April 23, 2010
Revealing post here we come!

There are 3 types of women:

A) Big girls that want to be skinny.
B) Skinny girls that want to be skinnier (I call them skinny chubis).
C) Women who are completely comfortable with where they are.

I want to fall in to category C. Ugh.

I know a woman who is a big girl. She LOVES it though. She is completely satisfied with the size she is, and people know that. Men know that, women know it, her kids know it. And I love her for it. She should be a spokeswoman for big girls everywhere. I use the term "girls" to include women, teenagers, people in general. Anyway, why do we always want what we don't have?

I know another woman who has also impacted me with her own saying, "If you don't like the way I/it/my house looks, look away!" Love that too!

It sort of irks me that I feel an 'expectation' to be skinny because, I was once! I was 120 pounds skinny. I don't know that I ever want to be that small again. It was in high school. I do want to be healthy though.

hCG works! I did it for about 12 days and lost 10 pounds! It was incredible. It was also miserable. I couldn't eat with my family. I missed Easter with David's family, and also a GREAT enchilada dinner with my family (a five layer chocolate cake included). Okay, so I didn't "miss" the events. I was there, but I was also not there. People were socializing and eating and laughing and I was growling. Literally. Well not really. But my stomach was. Do you realize how much our(my) world revolves around food??? Craziness.

I learned a huge lesson though! I really did. I feel like I learned what I needed to learn from hCG. That I don't need tons of processed foods! On the hCG diet you eat 500 calories a day. 2 meats, 2 veggies, 2 fruits and 2 small (very small) breads. And that's what it should be! Not neccesarily the 500 calories, but whole foods.

I'm back to Weight Watchers. I can eat what I want, but just less of it. And I have to pick and choose what I want to spend my points on.

I'm excited to be on a journey. And while I'm on it, I don't want to talk about it. Really. I don't. Maybe I shouldn't of said anything in the first place, but just for me, I needed to get it out there. My journey isn't one of becoming skinny (although that would be nice), but it's one of self-discovery and confidence. I want to love myself once again. Even if I don't lose a pound, I want to lose my negativity. Towards others, and towards myself.

It hurts my feelings when people brag about their awesomeness when it comes to working out, eating salads everyday and running 10 miles in 5 minutes. I know, I know. It shouldn't matter. And again, that's part of thise journey. To be happy for other people and their success! Because I know so many people that are happy for me!

Well, that's all for now. Guess what? I'm going to work out! Whoop.


Words in my Head

Thursday, April 22, 2010
So I'm feeling feisty today. Are you ready for that?

I have a cold. And for some reason that makes me feel like I can say what I want. I can't talk well. When I answer the phones at work not only do I sound like a raspy man, I sound like a sicko. An actual sicko. "Udiedet Disposal, cad I helmp you?.....Do you have your accout dumber?"

David spelled jeans, jeens. lol. So funny. And cute. I like to spell meet like meat. It always throws people off. Can you meat me there? Theres a couple other words I like to spell wrong. Some are inappropriate for young eyes.

Deep inside, I want to climb the corporate ladder. I think it would be exciting. I also feel like I am smart. I have a degree you know. I want to get my masters degree. But right now it's Davids turn. And don't worry, I'm not giving up my dreams so he (as in, "the man") can be number one. It's because it really is his time. He supported me through my degree, it's time for me to do the same.

Also, I do love my kids. I want to be with them especially bad right now. Through some gossip I found out that one of my family members (an in-law) said that I don't want to be a mom, that I only want a career. Rude. It's not even true. If you want the truth I'll tell you. I don't LOVE being a full time mom.  But I do LOVE being a mom to my kids. So shut your mouth. Well not you specifically, unless you are the one that said that.

This is now officially a couple days old. It's time to post. :-)
Saturday, April 17, 2010

We went on a hike today. Well right now we are hiking. It is sort of spur of the moment as you can tell by the shoe situation.

Jackson has flip-flops on.

David has on shiny cowboy boots (that he acquired today from a itinerant).

I have pointy toed shoes on.

Sadie has NO shoes on. lol

We are trying our best to avoid the cactii. Is that really right? Cacti? Cactuses? lol.

A Day

Thursday, April 15, 2010

This is David. We are on our way to my grandpas funeral. Grandpa Menlove. Sad. But happy right? I am sure he is so happy to be with his love.

Sunglasses are courtesy of the .99 cent store. Got them on our way to San Diego with Hannah and Steven. :-)

The Sadie

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

She looks like an angel right? Well she is. Not. lol. kidding. She is sort of a princess though. Do they have a parenting class on dealing with divas? I think I will invent one if not.

To Janell

This is my Jackson. I think he looks like his cousin. Its for Janell because she taught me how to do this blogging from the phone.

It's Time for Me to Brag

Friday, April 9, 2010
 Just like we all do sometimes, it's time. To be proud. And happy! Drum roll please........


David got accepted to Embry Riddle Aeronautical University! He will pursue a degree in Global Security & Intelligence Studies. I know right? Talk about popularity. He is fancy. 



I won't lie, it's totally expensive to attend. But we will find a way! David just let me know that we aren't allowed to get private loans anymore because ALL loans are now government loans. Awesome. Makes me so happy. But then again, maybe it hasn't gone into effect yet. Can I borrow some of your money? I don't pay interest, or late fees. But I will pay you back. Eventually. Like in 10 years when we are rich and famous.


Are you excited I'm posting pictures? It's a big day! I'm actually doing it RIGHT after this moment happened. He went and got the mail, brought it home, we opened it and now here are the pictures. It really happens like that. Well, I wish it did. See, that's the thing, why can't pictures just automatically update and write for themselves? Yup.

                                   

Are you judging me because I am so cheesy on this blog? I usually hate people who are so braggy and disgusting. But I think I am allowed because it's for my hubby loveness. Go him!! So proud. So proud.

Oh Remember, Remember

Friday, April 2, 2010

I can't figure out how to make my writing be alligned to the right. I just did. So, this could be a sad post, but it's not going to be. Or maybe it might be. I never know how to feel around this time of year. I feel sad, but I feel happy. My dad died, but it's my anniversary. Hmm... what feelings right?

So lots of things. We spent Friday (actual anniversary day) at the Fancy Dance. I got an awesome calling as the activities committee chairwoman. Super fun! And perfect for me I think. So we threw a Fancy Dance. We had a great DJ and awesome decorations, and lots of dancing, and food and most of all, FUN FUN FUN people. We all danced. Oh my. I wish you could have come. Thanks to everyone that helped. For real.

We picked the 25th as the day my dad died. We don't really know what day it actually was. I didn't want it to be my anniversary, so the day before was a better choice. We came home from our anniversary trip (to Vegas) and he was already dead. I hate that word. Dead. It's so terrible. And passed away? That's not much better. Anyone have a better, more uplifing word for death and dying? lol. Probably not.

I remember when we picked up my dad. From the funeral home. In a box. He sat on my lap on the way to Utah to have a memorial service for him. The box is heavy. I wonder if we should spread his ashes somewhere. I am grateful to my mom for paying for everything. She paid for everything. And she wasn't even married to him. Paid for the cremation, the urn, the trip to Utah, everything. Thanks Mom.

My heart races every time I talk to someone about him dying. How do you explain to someone without it being awkward, that you came home to your dad dead on your couch? I remember that day clear as anything. I remember climbing on the couch, shaking him to wake up. He looked like he was sleeping. I remember Becky coming over, her being the calm in the storm. Mom and Darrell came too. He hugged me as I cried. I had to call my sister Steph. That was hard. It's not the end I know, but in my life, in that day, it was the end. If for just a moment. My friend Tracy lost her dad too. She said something so profound to me. She said that time doesn't heal the pain, it just makes it LESS painful.

My grandpa died too (my dad's dad). Just recently in fact.  How cool is it to think that they are chillin' right now together? I bet they are digging some great trenches or something. It's not until you lose someone close to you, that you really come to understand God's plan for us. It becomes VERY real . I am happy to know that we will all get to be together again someday.

I have been working on this blog for a long time. I think it's time that I publish it. I don't feel like I have written enough about it though. There are so many things in my head that I want to get out. Maybe I'll go write another one?