Thursday, August 23, 2007

A couple of nights ago I told David I wanted to blog because otherwise I was going to forget about what I wanted to write about. I think I did.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a real time version of the t.v. show "Big Brother". Everyone has these alliances that they think are real and true and honest. But they aren't. I'll explain more in another blog. I'm too tired right now.

I just want to say a few things. I am happy. I have a lot to be happy about. And a lot to be sad about. The other day I was reading "Co-dependent No More" and one of the questions said this. "Let's play a "what if" game. What if you could be feeling anything you wanted right now, and feeling that way wouldn't make you a bad person. What would you be feeling? Write about it."  So here I go. These are my honest feelings for the day.

I feel like I am just so tired. I am so tired of being a mom. I am tired of working so hard to fix myself while people around me don't, and continously try to make me feel bad. I'm tired of being looked at as a victim and sometimes feeling like one too.

That's all really. I have a lot to be happy about though, and thanks to my meeting tonight, I realized that. Here is my gratitude list for today.

1. I am thankful that Shannon and I were able to go to lunch.
2. I'm thankful for David and his dad working really hard on our house so we can have a beautiful house and siding that is painted.
3. I'm thankful for Jackson being good for most of the day so that I could feel peaceful for a few hours.
4. I'm thankful for Janell coming to my house at just the right time to invite me on a walk that ended up calming my super fussy baby.
5. I'm thankful for a soft bed to look forward to sleeping in every night.

This is a random blog. Pretty daddy, if you are reading this, just know that I love you.
That's all for today. More tomorrow I hope.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

So I was gonna save that title for a really bad day. In fact, I had a blog written with that title but then I deleted it because the blog was too mean. But I like the "F" word. And it's so funny that my sister's daughter says that sometimes. I wonder where she learns it....

My baby is about to wake up but I am going to let him cry until i'm done. yeah. I'm a bad mom.

So life has taken a turn for the....worst/best. Remember that one time I wrote about life being so great and all? Well it is still, but in a different way. I LOVE Al-Anon. I love God.

Don't worry, he's not crying yet. Still asleep in his Boppy which by the way says on the tag, "Do not let child sleep in Boppy." Again, I'm a bad mom. And I bet if you have a Boppy you will go check the tag. My baby loves me though. He smiles and laughs with me. It's a good time.

Today I would like to talk about idiots. There are some effing idiots in the world. Actually, I just changed my mind. I don't want to talk about them anymore. I want to talk about my life. Yeah. It's exciting all right. It's s hard for me not to yell out loud what has been going on. I want everyone to know. The people involved in my situation know the gravity of it all and know that blank and blank are stupid ducks. ha ha. I'm funny. My phone does not spell bad words. So it comes up with words like duck for... well you can guess.

I'm tired and haven't even been able to go to the effing store for lettuce. I want my lettuce. And cottage cheese. Because David left it out on the floor. I never said anything to him because Al-Anon reminds me to ask myself "How important is it?" So I held my tongue. And I'm still proud of it. (David when you read this, I'm over it. So don't worry. I'm not over other stuff though...)

I was talking to my sister today and I told her I want drugs. She said that me wanting drugs is me wanting to numb the pain. It's true. But I still want them. Sorry Steph, coffee just won't cut it. I'm pretty sure if I run into anyone with pot, I'll probably mug them for it. And then I'll go to jail. Oh well. It might be worth it. At least I don't want alcohol right? Ok well I do... but I'm not even gonna take that avenue.

That's all for now. Ily. <---- a="" anyway="" computer="" for="" freak="" i-l-y.="" i="" ily.="" into="" it.="" lately.="" love="" m="" now.="" p="" reason="" so="" some="" that="" thinking="" you.="">
And don't worry, he's JUST waking up. A blessing from God maybe? Yeah. I think so. 

Monday, August 6, 2007

I can't sleep cause I have stuff on my mind. This is what I have to say.

I like wearing skirts better than jeans
but I don't wear them because I don't like my legs that much.
I like jeans better than capris.
I love the tall, big, green trees in Pennsylvania
but I dearly miss the huge Arizona sky.
I'm a member of the L.D.S. church
but I follow my own path.
I hate working out
but I like it at the same time.
I want to be a hippie
but I'm not because I'm afraid.
I want to work
and probably will.
I'm a big fan of candy
and I would eat it all day long.
I love my husband and my baby
but I love myself too.
I'm tired
but I can't sleep.
I really like reality T.V.
and I spend too much time watching it.
I'm a child of two alcoholics
and I'm proud to say I've never been drunk.
I still feel the effects though.
My friends mean the world to me
and I'm thankful for them.
I want to get my nose pierced
yet I probably won't because...I don't have a reason.
I have stretch marks
but I'm learning to accept them .
School is important to me
and I want to keep going...forever.
Outwardly, I hate old people
but I love them on the inside.
I think about my Dad on a daily basis
and I'm still scared of the memory of finding him.
If I had my way I would dance all day long
and I don't know why I don't.
I'm going to get plastic surgery
because I want to.
Reading takes me to a far away place
yet I don't find the time to do it enough.
High school was fabulous
and I'm proud to say I went to Chino Valley High School.
College was too
but it was a lot more difficult.
I love the rain
but I hate the humidity.
I squint my eyes a lot
and wish I didn't because I don't want wrinkles.
I don't mind smile lines though
because that means I smile a lot.
In my perfect world
I would speak my mind.
Im going to try.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

It's a good time lately.

I really like Jack in the Box. My new lifestyle does not permit it therefore I make it okay by sneaking a bite of Chelsi's 99 cent taco when Stephanie is not looking. She is the master of the lifestyle and I answer to her.

I discovered that i like working out. Well not really. But I enjoy what it is helping me become... and that is 30 pounds lighter. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. I wish we had a L.A. Fitness gym where I live. Well we do have one but it is 30 minutes away. This one time David and I were in Mesa and he was like "Why is it called la fitness? "la" as in do re me fa so la ti do. Anyway. It made me pee my pants a little.

Okay so Mormons go to what is called seminary. It's early in the morning. So there are two schools in the area. One school (tri-city) starts earlier in the morning than the other one (chino valley high). Well they are having seminary for the one school at 6 a.m. and for the other school they have seminary at 7 a.m. So... there are some kids at Chino Valley High that want to go to the earlier seminary at 6 because they have a 0 hour.

 Don't worry, they won't let them go. They want it separate!!! It's a terrible thing. Most of the "good" Mormons go to Tri-City. It's actually horrible. I'm so sure they are trying to make them go against each other or something. I hate them and I am writing another letter to the presidency. P.S.... if someone could tell a certain kid that if he is going to talk crap, he should probably do it a little more discreetly. If you could tell him he is NOT all that either... that would be nice.

Well... now that my eyes are officially bloodshot, I am going to bed. I'm so tired. I love you. See................................... I Said that and I'm not even writing a letter to anyone.

Oh my gosh!  I love Harry Potter. And it's so great. I love love love the seventh book. Whoop.