The ending or the beginning? Or both?

A couple of nights ago I told David I wanted to blog because otherwise I was going to forget about what I wanted to write about. I think I did.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a real time version of the t.v. show "Big Brother". Everyone has these alliances that they think are real and true and honest. But they aren't. I'll explain more in another blog. I'm too tired right now.

I just want to say a few things. I am happy. I have a lot to be happy about. And a lot to be sad about. The other day I was reading "Co-dependent No More" and one of the questions said this. "Let's play a "what if" game. What if you could be feeling anything you wanted right now, and feeling that way wouldn't make you a bad person. What would you be feeling? Write about it."  So here I go. These are my honest feelings for the day.

I feel like I am just so tired. I am so tired of being a mom. I am tired of working so hard to fix myself while people around me don't, and continously try to make me feel bad. I'm tired of being looked at as a victim and sometimes feeling like one too.

That's all really. I have a lot to be happy about though, and thanks to my meeting tonight, I realized that. Here is my gratitude list for today.

1. I am thankful that Shannon and I were able to go to lunch.
2. I'm thankful for David and his dad working really hard on our house so we can have a beautiful house and siding that is painted.
3. I'm thankful for Jackson being good for most of the day so that I could feel peaceful for a few hours.
4. I'm thankful for Janell coming to my house at just the right time to invite me on a walk that ended up calming my super fussy baby.
5. I'm thankful for a soft bed to look forward to sleeping in every night.

This is a random blog. Pretty daddy, if you are reading this, just know that I love you.
That's all for today. More tomorrow I hope.

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