HER FIVE CENTS

This is my second day home in a row. ALL DAY. Alone with kids. David is working working. As in, he can't really leave when he wants. It's sort of crazy. Brings me back to the University of Phoenix days. Those were hard ones. I had Chelsi to keep me somewhat sane.

I want(ed) this right? I do, and I did. I just can't remember what it's like. It's hard!

So far today? Spaghetti spilled. All over. Phone in the toilet. Awesome.

They are eating chicken nuggets right now. Which is why I get to be writing.

I have so many feelings in my head. One specific one? I want everyone to stop bragging about their weight loss. BLAH!

I think my depression is flaring up today. Like it's asthma or something. I'm having a depression attack. lol.


I shouldn't of said that. Because people use it as an excuse for certain behaviors. Someone I know was mentioning something about a friend of ours and said something like, "Well, it's because she suffers from depression." And I wanted to say back, "Uh, you're an idiot."

It's time to watch The Hills. the kids are sleeping.

I was feeling guilty for not writing enough spiritual things on my blog. Specifically about the good things I have been blessed with, etc. In fact, I spend most of my time complaining on this here blog. 

Then I stopped feeling guilty because it doesn't matter!

My relationship with God is entirely personal and what other people perceive of that relationship is TOTALLY none of their business or mine, for that matter.

I have been reading other peoples blogs about their journey with the LDS religion (most of them on their way out). I think it is entirely interesting. And in a way, I envy them. Not because they are leaving, but because they are doing it for themselves! It's not that they hate the church (they're not bashers), they just are taking the time to explore what their core beliefs are. It makes me feel happy for them. It makes me feel that I am okay for not agreeing with so much of the church culture. And that's what it is for me, culture of the Church.

I can seperate it though. Sometimes my lines cross and I start to wonder what the heck I'm doing, but most of the time I can deaw the line between what is real and what is not. People (especially my non-LDS friends/family) don't understand how I can remain in a religion that I have so many issues with. And that is my answer. I know where my boundaries are. But sometimes my answer is, I have no idea!

My testimony comes from the basics. Jesus Christ as my Savior, God as the Father, Priesthood on the earth today, temple work, blessings of tithing, following the commandments, scriptures, etc.. Sometimes though, I get caught up in drama, but hey, doesn't everyone?

As for now, I'm in.

Revealing post here we come!

I know a woman who is a big girl. She LOVES it though. She is completely satisfied with the size she is, and people know that. Men know that, women know it, her kids know it. And I love her for it. She should be a spokeswoman for big girls everywhere. I use the term "girls" to include women, teenagers, people in general. Anyway, why do we always want what we don't have?

I know another woman who has also impacted me with her own saying, "If you don't like the way I/it/my house looks, look away!" Love that too!

It sort of irks me that I feel an 'expectation' to be skinny because, I was once! I was 120 pounds skinny. I don't know that I ever want to be that small again. It was in high school. I do want to be healthy though.

hCG works! I did it for about 12 days and lost 10 pounds! It was incredible. It was also miserable. I couldn't eat with my family. I missed Easter with David's family, and also a GREAT enchilada dinner with my family (a five layer chocolate cake included). Okay, so I didn't "miss" the events. I was there, but I was also not there. People were socializing and eating and laughing and I was growling. Literally. Well not really. But my stomach was. Do you realize how much our(my) world revolves around food??? Craziness.

I learned a huge lesson though! I really did. I feel like I learned what I needed to learn from hCG. That I don't need tons of processed foods! On the hCG diet you eat 500 calories a day. 2 meats, 2 veggies, 2 fruits and 2 small (very small) breads. And that's what it should be! Not neccesarily the 500 calories, but whole foods.

I'm back to Weight Watchers. I can eat what I want, but just less of it. And I have to pick and choose what I want to spend my points on.

I'm excited to be on a journey. And while I'm on it, I don't want to talk about it. Really. I don't. Maybe I shouldn't of said anything in the first place, but just for me, I needed to get it out there. My journey isn't one of becoming skinny (although that would be nice), but it's one of self-discovery and confidence. I want to love myself once again. Even if I don't lose a pound, I want to lose my negativity. Towards others, and towards myself.

It hurts my feelings when people brag about their awesomeness when it comes to working out, eating salads everyday and running 10 miles in 5 minutes. I know, I know. It shouldn't matter. And again, that's part of thise journey. To be happy for other people and their success! Because I know so many people that are happy for me!

Well, that's all for now. Guess what? I'm going to work out! Whoop.