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New Series: That Awkward Moment When

Friday, November 11, 2011
You know that awkward moment when:

You meet a friend of your significant other for the first time and its like:

"Hi. I'm Lisa, David's wife." And she says, "Hi. I'm Ima. Ima Skank. You know, the one that loves your husband?" And then you say, "Oh yes. The one he forgets to mention? Ah yes, I know you."

It happened today. Except not quite like that. We were at the Veterans Day parade at Embry-Riddle (which was really cool by the way) and after it got over, David walked over to greet us. His mom and dad were there and so were his brothers and a sister-in-law. And my mom. And me. And our kids. He walks up lookin all hot and stuff and he sees this girl he knows from his Chinese class. It was clearly the most awkward moment ever for her. She was so caught off guard at the sight of her knight in shining armor (or army greens) that she weirdly stuck her arms out for a hug or something but then maybe realized that he wasn't coming for her? Or something. I'm not sure how that all worked out but it was fuuuuunnnnny to watch. I stood there, being the seething wife. Crossing my arms over my chest. Glaring. Ah, not really! I was smiling the whole time. I was thinking, "what up beeyotch? That my may-un" (gangsta style). I coulda taken her down with a simple chest bump. But I actually felt bad.

It gets better though. I know right? We went to Texas Roadhouse (The Texas Whorehouse) for the free food and so I could judge all the skinny chubis and we saw her there. With her boyfriend? Okay, so I know what you're thinking. 'She doesn't love him if she has a boyfriend' right? Well wrong. I know of/have seen/have met (been?) many a woman who has gone after meat that's off-the-market. I love referring to men and inanimate objects because they do it to us all the time. It's only fair right? Anyway, so we see them. And she's all, "We should all sit together." And I was like "Yeah, we totally should. In fact, you should sit next to him so you can touch his inner thigh under the table." Unfortunately, Sitting together didn't work out. So sad.

Sometimes I forget that my husband is that guy. The popular kid in school. The One Who Everyone Loves. He humbly claims it's not true and then I remind him that I'm not an idiot. And although school was awhile ago, it wasn't THAT long ago. I remember how those rules work. It's okay, I won.

MW3 say what?

Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Remember when you used to have to blow into the Nintendo game even before you played it?"  I heard this on the radio just before they played what they called a "Generation X" tune. It was Natalie Imbruglia (one of my favorites!). The announcer also mentioned Sonic the Hedgehog and the Sega. Oh my. I had one. I want it back.
Apparently this really fancy game came out a couple days ago at midnight. MW3 or something? Let me look it up. Yes. Modern Warfare. It has something to do with Call of Duty which are both things I know nothing about. This game is "the most anticipated game of all time!" Whoa. That's sort of a big deal.

I feel so behind the times. What happened to Pac Man (my hubby and I still have contests with this one. He always wins) and Mario? Now it's only cool to wear the paraphernalia.

Do you remember when you and your bff would play Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt like all day long? I was never cool enough to own my own Nintendo so I would always go to my friends house. Sometimes she would let me be Mario but most of the time I had to be Luigi which meant going second. And she was always better because obviously, she could practice more.

Classic Sega SystemAnd then do you remember when Super Mario Brothers 2 came out? And then 3? Wow! The graphics were uh.maze.ing.

When I got older I was lucky enough to get a Sega Genesis for my birthday. It came with Sonic the Hedgehog. I played for hours. It's still my most favorite game ever.


This is not to say that I don't enjoy modern video games. The other day my sister and I gallantly played Just Dance 3 which was almost brand new then. Our favorite was this one below. Just picture this: me and my sister. Dancing. To this. While my mom and her hubby watched. It was hilarious. And really really fun.


I got to hold the controller. Cause apparently I'm a better dancer. I'm not sure about that at all, especially in my old age. I should be grateful she even let me hold the controller right? One day I'll get my Sega and my Wii and I'll share it with the world. Wanna come over and play?

You'll Probably Want to Hear This

Thursday, November 3, 2011
This is a voice message from work I dictated for your viewing, reading pleasure. I wish you could have heard it. I included all of the pauses just. like. she said them.  (This one is especially for you Emily. You've got a hubby in the business. lol)

"Hi uh this is Jane Dumb calling. my number is 555-LAME. Um they did come and pick up the trash today however.  Uh, it again, only half of the. trash. got emptied and im, im, thinking cause I watched the truck uh today, i'm thinking that they're, when  they grab the the trash can they're grabbing it very high, so when it goes to the top of the truck to be emptied only a small amount of it the trash is coming out. I checked to see if any of the trash is stuck or anything like that. and it is not, so that is why I think that the fact that the truck is picking up the trash uh rather the trash can, too high, that when they bring it to the top of the truck, the trash can does not tilt enough to empty the can. and you can see it evidenced by the incredible scraping on the side, one side, of the trash can that were not there before. SO um, I don't know. If you need to talk with me. that's fine.  um bye.

So there you go.

People are idiots right? Like thats a pretty fair statement. I especially feel like people in this town and area are kind of lame when it comes to complaining. I feel like all they have to look forward to is calling and harrassing the trash secretaries.

This lady called today and she was complaining about a driver she saw who had his daughter on his lap. And she was hanging out the window (the daughter, not the complainer although that would be awesome). BUT she couldn't see the driver because he was behind the girl who was hanging out the window? That's weird. Anyway, I tried for several minutes to explain that garbage trucks steering wheels are on the OPPOSITE side of a normal vehicle. I said to her, "What side of the truck was the girl in?" And she said, "The drivers side." lol. Goob. And it's pretty funny because this drivers daughter is not super young. Therefore it makes it more awkward that he would drive with his mature daughter on his lap. I love people.

What i'm super duper sick of lately is people calling and having me repeat the same thing. So this lady called and was like, "Why is my bill $41 instead of $45. So I explained to her the reason (she had gotten a smaller can, and already paid for the bigger can). I went through it in DETAIL! I promise I did. At the end of the phone call she was like, "So where did the $4 come from?" Really. REALLY she said that. True story.

Yesterday a man called pretty upset that he got a bill with a stamp on it saying that he was late. He was seriously furious about the fact that we send out postcards for bills because apparently, he didn't get his prior months. And apparently, this has happened before where his bill gets lost in his catalogs. I told him we could mail him a letter. I had a 10 minute conversation (similar to the one above.) repeating over and over how we could mail him a full size ("you mean, an 8.5" by 11?") piece of paper, in an envelope, with a stamp even. Seriously, check my phone records. 10 minutes people.

Oh my, I could go on and on. Can you pray for me that I don't lost my patience? I've got to remember to keep a list of all of these stories. But for now, I've got another work issue to deal with.  Hackers....