Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I Can't Tell Whether It's Depression or PMS


It's that time of the month. Where I hate everyone and everything. But mostly just my husband. Poor guy always gets the short end of the stick. It's cause he lives with me.

I also happen to be going through a break-up. A break-up with a friend. I finally cried a bit about it today. Only a little and not enough. Enough to give me the after-cry puffs but not enough to feel completely released.

I forget that this is a loss. A loss that requires a grieving process. I can't remember all the steps but it seems that whenever I'm about to move on, something interrupts me. Usually a text message.

The saddest, most difficult part for me has been the fact that she and I have had so many experiences together. Ones that bind you. And it's hard to let go of that. Not that I have to let go of the experiences themselves, but I can't have those memories be the things that leave me hanging on.

I'm reading this book (it's totally worth the download) and I read this quote and I felt like it pretty accurately described what's happening in my life.

"I feel like Amy wanted people to believe she really was perfect. And as we got to be friends, I got to know her. And she wasn't perfect. You know? She was brilliant and charming and all that, but she was also controlling and OCD and a drama queen and a bit of a liar. Which was fine by me. It just wasn't fine by her. She got rid of me because I knew she wasn't perfect."

I'm not saying all of it's exactly true in the case of my life but it does fit pretty dang well. I'm sad. I used to be mad and angry. But now I'm just sad.

Then David had a serious talk with me and as part of it he said something to the effect of, "it seems like you are unhappy with yourself and that's why you hate everyone." And at first I was mad, and then I was like yeah, that totally makes sense.

But then today (this post has been in progress for like a week) my friend said, "Are you unhappy with yourself? Or your life? Or your friends? I think those are all very different from each other. I'm always ok with myself, but my life and lack of close friends makes me sad mad rageful."

And this made sense. I tried to explain to David that part of my craziness has to do with the fact that things are super uncertain at this point. Like we don't have dates for his BOLC or for anything. I don't know where we will be in a month let alone in a week! And I've been comfortable for the last 3 years in our routine. So that's hard.

Then there's the upset with the friend situation.

I also hate myself. As in, my physical self. Ugh. That's so hard to admit. Because it means being accountable. And I totally am. I started somewhat of a secret Instagram where I'm documenting my progress via pictures. I'm also on MyFitnessPal. I don't really wanna be friends with anyone cause I don't want them to see my weight and stuff. Depressing. Although I am happy to finally be doing something about it.

This is kind of a lot of sad stuff. What do you do to cheer yourself up? Where's your happy place? Is it Target like it is mine? Or maybe it's Wal-Mart (I'd judge you only a little. lol). Tell me.

4 Opinion/Thoughts/Corrections from you:

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