Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My Homeboy

I had a "moment" yesterday in church. It wasn't something even remotely fantastical. But it maybe was for me. I kind of decided that I want to be good again. Not that I am not, but I want to be better.

I love Jesus. I love God. I want them to be a part of my daily life. Again, not that they aren't, but I will make a more conscious effort to let them in more often. I remember when my sister said to me that God is at the door waiting for me. And what are my reasons for not letting Him in? I don't have any.

It sort of made me cry. I talked to David on the way home from church about this. And at first, I didn't really wanna talk about it because I didn't want to cry. But I did talk about it. And I only got a bit teary eyed.

I am blessed.

I think I might be on the edge which makes me even more emotional. The edge of what you ask? The edge of everything! I started ANOTHER diet today. I hate it. I hate it more than I hate anything. It makes me cranky and cranky and cranky. David said he might force feed me if I don't stop. lol (Here are the negative thoughts for today). I just wish I wasn't fat and that people didn't hate fat people. I KNOW people look at me and wonder where I went wrong. Where did skinny Lisa go?

Maybe she went away after she got married. Or maybe it was her dad dying in her house, or maybe after moving across the country, or having a baby, or _________ (this very personal, awful event), or another baby, moving back to AZ, or some other reason (which it most likely is. Like, I got careless and lazy).

I want that Lisa back just as much as you do.

These are my super most inner thoughts. They are so conflicting. I love God. but I hate myself. How does that make sense? God loves me. SO much. So why can't I love me?

4 Opinion/Thoughts/Corrections from you:

  1. Oh my gosh, I love you! I want you to know that I NEVER EVER have thought that about you. I LOVE you so much, just the way you are, and I don't understand why we feel like we have to change ourselves when there is nothing wrong with us!

    I love that you share your innermost personal thoughts. I try to.

    I miss you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you too and 'you' are not your body. I have the same feelings about the weight issues though. In fact, I was feeling pretty frustrated and low today about it all. In a weird way it helps me to read your post and know I am not alone.

    I'll be fat with you! Except you are probably thinner than me!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lisa, this is Josh. I like reading your posts. They are entertaining. You got to learn to love yourself no matter what. We all struggle with wanting to be better than we think we are. We all have insecurities. If you want to be different, change to what that different person is or accept this is who I am and rejoice in it. People love you now matter what. Thats my five cents beeeoch! You guys are some of my favorite people.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lisa,

    A little slow at reading your blog. Silly! I love you! And I think you are wonderful! And I don't care what "wonderful" weighs. I don't care how "wonderful" looks. And further more, you are beautiful. And you are "wonderful."

    Love ya! And don't be mean to you.

    ReplyDelete

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