HER FIVE CENTS

Where I'm going next, I don't know. But it isn't here. Here metaphorically. Or maybe realistically. 

I miss my kids. I miss them as babies. It's wild to think how asleep I was back then even though trying my darndest not to be. I wanted to do things right for my kids. He did too. I think we did okay him and I. Our kids are evidence of that even though they might be a lil' sweary (but they know to read the room!)  

I miss him SO much right now. The way he knows me how no one else does. But he doesn't know me now. 

I'd like to get to know him again someday. Who is he now? I'm super different. And the same. Think about 14-year-old you. Who was that human? Do elements of them remain? I think so. I remember those days' feelings, specifically thinking about the night of my mom and stepdad's reception. I was 14. I'm 40 now. It was one of those catalystic moments that in reflection, blows my mind. 

How for every action there is a reaction, right? That's just science. Or is it? 

I don't believe in coincidences anymore. 

Synchronicities. Divinities. Idk.

My mom was alive in 1998 on that summer evening in July at the Larson's in Paulden, AZ. Mmmm... I only remember a little about that night, walking with my older sister's bestie Chance down the road which was dirt at the time (it's paved now). There's a large dip and I remember walking and noticing how bright it was because of the (mother) moon. Because I like to gaslight myself sometimes for fun, I just looked it up and it IS true. She (the moon) was 92 percent illuminated that night. I was a city girl at that point so I noticed I could see shadows out there in the rural countryside of northern Arizona which was rare because #citylights (which I also love sometimes)... I was grateful to be with a human who felt safe to me because what was out there in the shadows? Coyotes that might eat me? Ha.  Thanks for being that person Chance. It's funny because I was recently moving photos from a very old plastic container full of real, color photos to a new one because the old one was cracked and falling apart. Out fell pictures of Chance on his mission which he sent me because we were pen pals a few times back and forth during those two years. It's interesting at this moment to see how he was a lil' gift from the universe to me and I don't think I realized it until now. He is sprinkled throughout the memories of the various step and almost-stepdads as a beacon of hope that good men do exist. 

David remembers that moment too albeit from a very different perspective. Ha. I can't remember how he tells it but he saw me walking with Chance and he remembers Chance's arm around my shoulders. We laughed about a few times throughout our relationship.  

I can't stop thinking about that... perception... how two or more people can witness the same exact moment in time and walk away with very different versions of the same thing. 

He admits to judging me a little bit that night. He pegged me for That Girl. You know that one, or at least you do if you grew up as a Mormon. Or anyone part of a group of people who see it as us/them. Anyway, little did he know and little did I know. 

I made biscuits and gravy and put my sisters award-winning white chicken chili in the crock pot for later. We were going to do games tonight but Ian is hanging out with a friend so we might do something else... or nothing at all. 

I found a new local tire shop, Skyline Tire and Auto out here in Queen Crizzle slash San Tan Valley. They've been there three years and it's Daniel, his brother Alex, and their family friend Eric mostly. They were phenomenal! I went to Big O and they quoted me more than double to price of this place plus I was in and out super quickly AND they were just hella nice. I LOVE a local biz. Support them! 

The gym was busy when Cole and I got there last night around 10:45p.m. but by about midnight, it was empty. That's why we like going late at night. Not as many sweaty humans making grunting noises. There was still the One Guy doing that but one is better than many. 

There were two times I found myself with tears in my eyes and rolling down my face. Like I said, I've been doing a practice of just allowing it... letting it come in, and through and then out. It's working pretty great. I ended up having an epiphany later about it. More to come on that later. 

Cole showed me the correct form on the stationary squat racks that my home gym only has (Planet Fitness). I'm sure it looked like I was just admiring which is ALSO true but honestly, I was trying to watch his form. lol. I've wanted someone to show me how to do it and he did! Yay! 

We spent time chatting afterward. We talked about people-watching and whether that's a thing he engages in (not really) and how the gym is a unique time to practice mindfulness and meditation AND social skills AND people-watching (for me lol).  I came home, ate some delicious chicken strips (the ones in the green bag that taste exactly like Chik-fil-A's), chatted with the kids, and then went upstairs to consume plant medicine with Riah. By then it was VERY late slash early in the morning. Our sleep schedules are kind of fucked up right now. 

During my conversation with the girls, I told them once we return home, we're either going to set goals or they have to go to prison (school). lol. It sounds like they both have some good ones and I'm excited to help them because eff the prison, I mean, school system. No offense to my loves who work in it. We need the good ones there. 

Then I ended up talking to Cole via text for longer because the conversations have been riveting lately. He and I don't always see things the same way and I very much enjoy the dialogue because of it. It's mind-opening and expanding AND allows me to find and use my voice to convey things that are important to me, with pushback, in a loving/safe way which I need more of. My therapist offers a lot of the same thing, just different.

I started writing a deeper version of the information I got last night with the help of plant medicine. I hope I took as good of notes as I did in my head. Maybe that will be what I spend time writing about tomorrow. Let's go! 

This is fun. I forgot how easy it is to write for the purpose of just remembering. I want to remember the seemingly insignificant AND the important things but writing just to write is fun. Go me. go team. I love you. 

It's actually spoken "niece", at least when it comes to the city located in the French Riviera where I traveled all alone four years ago to the day.  

I left mid afternoon on a Thursday so David could stay with the kids while I went on a solo trip, partially to trudge through some thickly complicated thoughts and feelings. Him and I had a pretty big thing the week before centered around opinions and values on drugs/alcohol/etc. I wasn't even going to write about this part of the story but I just found some screenshots from our text exchange while I was browsing photos for this post.

The timing is curious as 4 years later we are discussing some of the same things, and more, which are down the line of morality for most. It's haunting to read the words, "Well we would have been divorced a long time ago" with where we are now. I don't know where that is, but it feels like it might be close to that. Am I actually going to post this on the internet? What is the most surprising is how my thoughts haven't changed much since then haha. 

Everything else in life feels fuzzy and grey yet this space (this blog) feels like home. Social media platforms come and go and in fact, I think we are in the middle of yet another transition where Facebook will be what MySpace is now -- pretty much obsolete because hello Metaverse. I could be very wrong lol but I sort of don't think I am, or will be ha. The one thing that has remained over the last decade plus is my home here on Her Five Cents. I currently write on Medium and on Instagram (via captions) and post on TikTok yet still feel the call to be here too. I don't currently have Facebook or Instagram on my phone (I know) and again, social media is evolving. 

Anyway, my initial reason for wanting to share some of my pics from this trip, and write about it a little is because I fuckin' drove to Nice, France from my home in Vicenza, Italy. It was about 6ish hours, and I drove through the top part of the boot of Italy into the southern coastal part of France. Remember, those countries don't speak English, and I was solo in my big American SUV lol. I think this was the first (and only) biggish trip alone in Europe. I didn't have friends or know anyone who spoke the same language as me where I was going. Exciting and terrifying

I have completed what feels like 392 trips back and forth from Arizona to Colorado to Utah since then, mostly solo, so it doesn't feel like a big deal to be alone in the travel sense, but I remember the feeling of solo activity hitting me on the rainy drive through Europe that Thursday afternoon. 

That feeling of aloneness is familiar.

I consider myself extremely lucky when it comes to wandering the world. I am seriously so blessed when it comes to being in the right place at the right time for shit in terms of travel. Turns out, the Nice Carnival was beginning the weekend I happened to be there. I had no idea until I found a pamphlet about it in the room I got at the most adorable Airbnb. lol. How lucky am I? 

According to Wikipedia, "The earliest records establish its existence in 1294 when the Count of Provence, Charles Anjou, wrote that he had passed "the joyous days of carnival."^[1] This may make the Nice Carnival the original carnival celebration." 

My host was a gem. She had the cutest little place and the cutest little kitty. She spoke hardly any English but was most kind in attempting communication with me. I loved that it was just the two of us and her fur baby. I felt less alone after. I wonder how she is doing.

I did things on this trip a lot of people will only dream about. I took a perfumery class and made my own fragrance, I went to the beach and walked solo on the coast of France, talked to strangers (as best as possible) in bakeries and basked in the camaraderie that only an annual carnival can bring. I went to Monaco and gambled at the Monte Carlo. On my way home I stumbled upon the Fête du Citron, a big celebration similar to that of their neighboring Nice. Lucky in every way. 

Moral of the story is take what you like and leave the rest. Is that a stretch for this? I mean, I just told you barely anything about a little of everything and yet that's my conclusion? Yes, I think it is. Haha. I'm pretty sure that's the moral of this human experience...take in what feels good and leave the rest behind. Just like with this post 😉.

I love having you here. 

Inside the atrium at the Monte Carlo

Fancy stuff outside of the Monte Carlo Hotel in Monaco

Théoule-sur-Mer, France, this was the first time I had seen cacti in awhile!

At the parade (see pics below), toward the end, they were handing out flowers! So manyyyyy flowers. I made two bouquets.

Ahhhhh! The art! The beauty! Obsessed.

So many political floats at the parade the first night I was there. This is just one of many. Ha

Fragrance making!

Click for more info on the Fete du Citron. This one deserves its own post. I'll do that eventually which means probably never. lol.

One of the very few selfies I took. Ragrets I didn't take more. Ha.