Friday, January 2, 2009

Still Feeling Blah

I was gonna make this a secret post. But I'm not sure I want to. Maybe when it comes time to post, I'll change my mind. This will probably sound like another poor me blog, but I don't really care. I'm kind of feeling that way. A little hopeless and a lot sadness.

I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of asking for help with no response. From the earthly people and the One up above. Maybe my lack of faith is exactly why there are no answers. I've tried though. For 25 years I've tried. At this point, I feel like I am gritting my teeth, hanging on for dear life. I want so bad to let go, but something keeps me hanging on...to everything. This sounds so suicidal. I'm not sure I am. I'm talking about a lot more than life. I'm talking about relationships, church, and everything else.

Motherhood is SO hard. Too hard for my liking. Moms don't get a break. EVER. They are programed with worry. The people I live with have been slightly hard on me for not wanting to talk about the sick babies. It's because I am already thinking about that. ALL the time. Not only am I thinking about the sick babies, I'm thinking about the laundry that is about to my ceiling, and the kitchen sink that is the same way. I'm thinking about my dirty floors, disgusting bathrooms, and the lack of food in the fridge.

We have been in the hospital with both kids this week at different times. Both were/are vomiting, feverish, lethargic, snotty, coughy-I made that word up, and just not themselves. One of them was diagnosed with an ear infection, the other with RSV. They've both been sick for over two weeks and I haven't been able to do much except care for them. Which means everything in the above paragraph (the one about my house) is magnified that much more. Not only that, but I am personally exhausted. The sicknesses (whatever they are), have not left much room for sleep. It makes it all that much worse. Here I am awake at 12:30 am because it's the only single moment I have to sit down and write. It's not even quiet. There's a Jackson and a Sadie in the background both hacking up their lungs.

Everyone is edgy in this house. Unkind words have been spoken on all parts without realization. I need to apologize for those. I blame it on me and my own negativity and lack of sleep.

I'm standing before a fork in the road. I don't know which way to go. I can honestly say that I feel completely torn. One side looks a lot easier to travel on, but the other one has a better ending.

Well I went and read some seriously funny and outrageously sarcastic blogs and it made me feel better. So I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully. See... I have hope. :)

4 Opinion/Thoughts/Corrections from you:

  1. I am worried about you Lisa. Have you been to your dr and asked about post pardum depression? You may need to do that. I had it after Dallin and it was not pretty. I hope you can see the light soon.
    And sometimes help is there and we just don't see it or maybe it is on it's way. Hang in there.

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  2. I'm always amazed at how brave you are to be so open, raw, and honest on your blog! It's an inspiration. What you say is not always positive but it reminds me that I'm not the only one in the world hurting and strugling! In the being a Mom is hard department. Try and be greatful that you have the ability and blessing of being a Mom. It's something I've longed for for almost two years! Take a moment when you are at your ropes end to immagine what it would be like to not have kids, and not have any idea if or when you might get the oppertunity. I might help you to remember what a blessing they are! Know you are loved!! And not alone in your pain, suffering and holding onto hope by a thread!

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  3. Hi Lisa,

    I am all ears when I hear mothers say how difficult motherhood is! Why do you think I attend Curves at 5:30 in the morning, even when I'm pregnant and exhausted!!!! I'm not the first, nor the last, to tell you that motherhood is hard. But, ten years from now, you will MISS the ages your kids are now! You will desperately wish they were doing some of those things that they do that frustrates the heck out of you now. Remember to love them and love your life. And remember to take an out every now and then and allow David to have his as well. You guys together, with God, can make your life totally worth living. You sound very frustrated and discouraged in all areas. Hang in there. I'll e-mail you more personal advice that may help you as well that helped me a whole bunch, but hang in there! I sure love you guys and think the world of you along with many other people. So, remember you've got a heck of a support group! The Nickle's aren't a small group of people! And that's just our side of the family and no personal friends may you have included! Love ya! Katie

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  4. what you need is me..and i need you!

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