Top Social

Skanks

Sunday, August 31, 2008
Am I the only one in the world that things it is slightly ridiculous that boys can be half dressed in pictures and it's fine, yet a girl is ridiculed and judged when she does the same?

Browsing Myspace, one is clearly able to see that there are NUMEROUS boys who pose with their pants mostly down and shirts off and it's super cool, but girls in bikinis are "Myspace sluts". No way people. I will not put up with this... especially when it's LDS boys and girls doing the posting AND judging. I could name a handful of young ones I know that are both Mormon and scantily clothed who are listed as my Myspace friends. It's not a good one. I judge them all. I suppose I wouldn't if I was skinny and beautiful and could be confident in baring my body like that. Then I would totally post pictures just as they do. lol. Maybe. But probably not. I bet the next "counsel" to come out will have to do with Myspace and posing naked or something like that. And I mean that in a sweet way, not in a "I-am-bitter-about-stupid-rules" kind of way. Oh wait.

I bring this up mostly because I am a feminist. Again, look up that definition if you don't know the true meaning. And find one that is positive. Because not all of us are crazy wackos. Anyway, it's just not fair that women are treated so differently even in the online world. There are numerous words for women deemed sexually promiscuous but only a tiny amount for men. What the... ?

So while I am not all about naked young people pictures at any time, I am even more not about girls being called slutty when boys do the same thing!!! Its super lame. I'm going to take sexy Myspace pictures now.

I Mostly Don't Care

Monday, August 25, 2008
I really get angry when I read some people's blogs. Mostly the ones within the clique that I don't belong to. Why do I give them my business by clicking on their site? I don't know... I'm gonna stop. I'm also going to unsubscribe. That's right beeyotches, it's over. I will never give your site to another person in the world because frankly, you are selfish and won't do it for me. There. It's over. We are broken up.

Now that I have officially wasted my energy and time, I am going to focus on more important things. Like the rain outside. It was been raining for several minutes now and I love it. There is lightening and cool air and happiness everywhere. Everyone should come over so we can party.

We are going to Texas Roadhouse tonight. I am going to throw peanuts on the ground. And I will probably also throw them in peoples hair. I'm feeling angry today can you tell? I think it's because I am pregnant or something. I don't know. I just like to use that as an excuse and for the most part, it works. For example, the other day I was hanging out with Picsag and Asian and I got to pick where we ate because I am pregnant. They said once I have la bebe, It's over. So I'm soaking it up people. I love how everyone tells me I can eat everything, and sleep a lot and not do anything... and it's totally cool. I might have 98 more babies just so I can be lazy for the rest of my life.

I'm going to watch TV and eat cookies. And I can. Because I'm pregnant.

Walking on Sunshine

Sunday, August 24, 2008
Jackson is officially walking. I think he started yesterday... while I was gone. I am so mad about that. Everyone told me that he would walk everywhere and even when he fell, he would get up and walk again. OMG! That's amazing.

So I saw it in action today. My baby is totally growing up. No one realizes what a big deal it is. It totally is. I want everyone to stop and stare at him when he walks because it's huge!!! If I was really cool, I would post a picture or something. I have a video. I'll have to do that tomorrow because right now I just want to get done with post because I am sweating profusely. It's gross. I have the knee sweat at all. I was reading the herbal remedy book and they have something to help out with pregnant sweaty women. What's Da Wanksta's term for that? I can't remember.

What else is new? Nothing. Well some things. I can't really think right now. But I hope everyone is super happy that Jackson is walking. Can everyone stand up and clap? K thanks.

P.S... Did I mention that David got a job? We are gonna be richies again. We'll be able to afford our own toilet paper soon. That's exciting huh? Speaking of toilet paper... I need some soon. Like right now actually.

My Baby Einstein

Wednesday, August 20, 2008
You know that feeling you get sometimes when you feel overjoyed due to feelings of gratitude, love and happiness? I had that for a brief moment in the middle of the night. I was sleeping in the same room with both of my boys, and TWO baby girls (not twins don't worry). The one in my belly, and the one in the swing on the floor. We'll call her Baby A. I got this overwhelming feeling of joy because I have such good people in my life. Good friends and family make all the difference and I was just so happy at that moment to be where I was.

Baby A is this little miracle. She is so gorgeous and wonderful and beautiful. She belongs to a mommy who doesn't really have the capacity to care for her at this time. Therefore David's sister has taken her in. His sister however, works a lot and needs sleep so Grandma (David's mom) offered to take her on the nights his sister has to be to work early. The catch is that Grandma Jo watches her other kids on those same early days. I told J that I would take her that evening so she could sleep too. I figured Baby A would wake up when I had to pee anyways. :-)

That little girl is truly an angel. She not only didn't wake up ONCE, she didn't cry at all. Me, with my anxiety, woke her up after she had been sleeping for 4 hours cause I was worried. I changed her, fed her and held her with not a sound escaping her tiny mouth. I actually didn't sleep much last night. It was good practice and a good reminder of what it will be like for me in about 3 months. I have to calm down. I kept waking up to make sure she was fine. And she was. All night long. David's sister thinks she may have some colic, but I didn't see any of those symptoms come up. I practiced the 5 S's that my sister told me about. I think it comes from the book, The Happiest Baby on the Block. Shhhh, sway, swaddle, suck, side. It works. She only needed the swaddling really. Miracle.

On a more ... notable note (or some other word I can't think of), Jackson has officially turned into a toddler overnight. If fact, I think he might already be in his terrible two's. I am not even kidding you. He woke up one day super grumpy and started to cry/yell with this unbelievable sound. It is totally fake and really annoying. He squints his eyes and opens his mouth too to make this face that is I think supposed to resemble a crying face. As I write he is trying to bang the keyboard. It's time to start time out. Any suggestions? I've heard from "them" that you are supposed to do one minute for each year old. Okay, now I'm getting mad. He's out there whining because dad won't let him bite. He started climbing too. He gets into baskets, toy boxes, cars, on couches, etc.. It's actually really cool, but crazy too. Not that this is at all exciting to anyone but he stands on his own and walks sometimes too. Not really knowing it though. Chelsi said he walked ten steps with her. David said the same. When's it gonna be my time?

What makes me really happy is that he has picked up something that is totally my trait. He LOVES to rub material between his thumb and forefinger. It's sooo cute. I used to do the same thing when I was little. He does it when he is relaxing or about to fall asleep. It makes me so happy. His favorite is Aunt Hannah's silk blanket (that he won't sleep without), the vinylish lettering on T-shirts, or anything soft. I love it. He IS my boy. It's true. He is even starting to like me a little more. Aww... I'm happy today. That's the best news for anyone!

I Suppose

Monday, August 18, 2008
What I really wanna say is I hate "World of Warcraft". I really do. I used to pretend that it didn't bother me that David played it but it totally does. He was on hiatus from it for awhile (since we moved) and it has been fantastic. Until today.

I woke up to him NOT building a boat, but instead playing. I try not to be angry but I have my justifications. First of all, it costs like a million dollars a month. Okay, I think it's only $15, but still. And secondly, it's a waste of time UNLESS (got that) UNLESS he is playing with his brothers late at night when I am sleeping. That's fair right?

I've tried to think of something that might compare to the game in my life that he might hate. Maybe he hates me blogging and Myspacing so much. Yeah? Maybe he hates that I sleep so much. I have reasons for all of my wasted time. I'm pregnant. And.... I'm pregnant. Oh yeah, and I have to keep in touch with people right?

At least I am going to be SO skinny soon. In a few months at least. My doctor told me I am fat. I went to my new Doc here in AZ. I love him. The office he resides in is the classiest thing I have ever experienced. And here I show up in stretchy pants, with a child in tow, and another one on the way. Chelsi comes too. She probably made us look better. Anyway, I fit in real well. Oh wait. El Doc was real nice though. He said "I'd like to see you working out at least 30 minutes a day." I responded and said, "So you're basically not allowed to tell your patients they are fat." And he goes, "We're allowed to say anything we want, but we should probably be nice." It was all in a jokingly sweet way. I was not sad. Needless to say, I haven't worked out. Probably never will until this is all over. It hurts to bad. "They" say you shouldn't do anything that makes you have pain. So... there. I'm excited because I am important. I say that because Mr. Doc has to deliver me because I am a hopeful VBAC (Vaginal birth after C Section). So that's cool huh? I really don't want to have a C Section. Too much pain.

I'm gonna go eat something now. I always eat. I'm starting to feel little girls limbs pushing me around. It's nice. That's a lie, but it's really neat. Yeah neat.

Memory

Sunday, August 17, 2008
Memory (the game) is my favorite. I am the worst at it though because I never can remember where the matches are. Everyone else always wins and I am surprisingly okay with it. I'm usually very competitive and get in a bad mood if I don't win. Anyway, this has nothing to do with the following.

I'm joining the people that have been posting that thing about leaving a memory about me (because I am amazing). So, do as you know best and leave a memory that you and I have had together. It's okay if we only met one time in the store, tell me about that. I bet we "connected".

I'll leave you one. I'll try anyway. If I don't remember, its because i forgot. I still like you though.

I'm desperate people. :-)

The Hater Blog

Thursday, August 14, 2008
So, I'm in a bad mood today. A number of things have not gone right, thus I name today my "Hater Day". Everything seems to be pissing me off. I'd like to make a list of people/events/things I hate:

1. Miserable people who feel bad for themselves and write about it in their status on Myspace/Facebook profiles just so we will all feel sorry for them and write more comments.

2. The people at Blogger and Myspace change my main page without even asking.

3. The lady at Barnes and Noble who said to my sister and I (who were sitting on the floor in a back isle of the store) "There are seats at the Cafe." Chubi.

4. People who cancel on me when I am clearly looking forward to getting together. When I am stuck inside for several days at a time, an "outing" is a huge deal.

5. Diarrhea.

6. Waking up hot and sweaty in the middle of the night to a husband who is snoring super loud who then says to me after asking him to turn on his side, "Aren't there earplugs in the bathroom?"

7. Bugs down my shirt, specifically in my bra that get lost in the mountains that reside there.

8. Being able to count my chins.

9. The fat girl at the mall playland that was WAY too tall to even be there in the first place. And the kid that kicked Jackson off the slide.

10. Other peoples children. I hate them. (Unless I know them of course. Don't pee your pants. Geez).

11.

I was gonna write more but I figured that's enough negativity to get me through the night. My sister would be so mad about this post. She would tell me it's all about attitude, or she would tell me to listen to the Wayne Dyer CD # 97856. Just kidding sis, I love you.

It's time for me to sleep. It's way past my bedtime. I have to check for bugs. I am serious. They are EVERYWHERE.

Free Stuff (maybe)

Monday, August 11, 2008
I found this blog through another's blog and I'm gonna give this contest a try. I've never won anything but hopefully this time around I will. yay. Go team. And go enter. And read.

It's HERE

Rock Art

As you may know from my previous blog(s), I have been quite bored lately here in Paulden. I don't have cell service blah, blah, blah. Although I did discover I can sometimes send texts in the bathroom. I know. I text on the toilet. It's a secret confession I have been wanting to make. Anyway, now that you know everything you didn't want to know about me, I'll get on to my point.


Actually, I have to explain some background. David, Jackson and I made a very exciting trip into Chino Valley today to pick up some stuff for a boat he's making. I've been telling everyone that God told David another flood was coming so thats why he's building a boat. It would be really funny if you could see where we are because you would laugh and scoff at him. It's brown here. Again, moving on. So I had some service for about 30 minutes (the duration of the trip) and I wrote my good friend Maria asking for some advice (this is text messaging).

Me: Hi. How are you? I am in service. Starting to get in a bad mood about Paulden.

Maria: Aw :( Not so fun. Im doing okay. Also bored out of my mind. Went on a walk with puppies and when we got back mil (mother-in-law) asked why were back so soon. Nice.

Me: No way! Are you serious? Thats awful. And funny. Sorry. I feel like I should be reading or something. But that just makes me tired. So I don't do anything. Ugh. Any ideas?

Maria: Yeah. I decided to annoy her all day :) hm I dunno. Make rock art :) or make a dirt castle. I dunno. Make something good to eat.

Me: lol. So effing funny. I think I tinkled in my panties. Or maybe I could go find some cattle guards and play the game with myself. Or maybe I could go chase dust devils.

Maria: Lol. Exactly or maybe you can go take pictures of Paulden, America and scrapbook it. Like your favorite places.

Again, it's not really funny if you don't understand what Paulden is. I'll go take a picture.



It definately has its own kind of beauty. For sure. This is the view from the back porch


Front Porch

Interpretive Rock Art (for Maria)

Again, I will never ever deny the beauty it does have. The skies, starts, opennesss... it's all good. But when you are couped up for too long, you start to dread the thought of not being able to go anywhere without walking (or driving) a million miles.

I hate having a gazillion chins. I'm going to eat brownies. I think that will help.

Oh How Lovely Was the Morning

Sunday, August 10, 2008
These past few days I have been waking up to the smell of french toast or in today's case, pancakes. It's fantastic. David's mom is so good at making a hot meal for her family. It's been so nice staying here. I don't even have to clean up after Jackson every second of the day. There are so many other cousins running around so I don't feel quilty when there are toys everywhere. It doesn't matter that his family is crazy in their own special way, it matters that they love us.

I have often been bored here in Paulden, America. Paulden is the capital of the "blink or you'll miss it" towns. Seriously. You drive through the center of it all and there is a post office on one side and the pink store on the other. Blink too long, and you will pass it. No joke. I don't have cell phone service or my own computer. I am relying on the continued permissable use of their electronics. It's nice that his mom doesn't have a Myspace, Facebook or blog only because she isn't on her laptop that much. However, I am.

They have this gorgeous wrap around porch that I am sitting on currently. The view is amazing. That's one thing that Lock Haven doesn't have, open skies. There are views from every degree, and they go forever. I love it. In fact, I've been on a couple 4-wheeler rides to the top of a hill where the view is even better. I know just what you are thinking, me on a 4-wheeler 7 months pregnant? Makes me laugh too. David is gentle though. Last night we went on a double date with his brother to this very same place only it was night time. We had a campfire and hot dogs and smores. It was like old times. I think I fell partly in love with David on a 4-wheeler. We spent many hours together riding together before we were married, and even after. The move to PA kind of limited our time on one only because we didn't have one to ride. Up on the mountain, we told jokes, laughed, and I peed twice ALL in the one and a half hours we were there. That's ridiculous. I blamed it on the ride. Oh my goodness, the stars were amazing too. Oh my goodness. Everyone needs to come over and look at the stars. I saw at least 5 shooting stars.

It's David's birthday. My good friend Maria said he gets to be in the Quarter Century Club. She is president (her birthday was in February), he is Vice and I will get to be Secretary in 4 months exactly. Maria's husband, Da Ultimate Wanksta, gets to be CEO since he is like 98 years old. On Maria's birthday we made it a point several times over to make sure she felt super old. We had it announced at a cheer competition, and at the bowling alley that she was now old enough to rent a car with no extra fees, or that she is 1 quarter of a hundred years old. It's kind of is old. I'm happy to be the youngest.

I love David for many reasons but mostly because he is sweet like sugar. I was gonna copy Megan and write the 25 reasons why I love him but I figure it would take me forever. ;-) Or maybe it's just cause I'm too lazy and it would make this post even longer than it already is. All I know is that I am grateful to his mama and papa for making him 25 years and 9 months ago. It's fantastic.

I'm going to eat now (is that surprising?). I hope David makes me something delicious. Oh wait, I suppose I should make him something since it is his birthday. Dang it.

Are you effing kidding me?

Friday, August 8, 2008
My 8th grade love and I made contact through Facebook. He wrote me first and asked how I was doing and such. I responded telling him that I am good. I asked if he would be interested in coming to a friends reunion. I had made contact with some of the other girls I was super close to in 7th and 8th grade. I found them in the first place because of a notebook I found upstairs in my moms house. We passed this notebook around and wrote about our life experiences and such. I told this boy that his name was mentioned a few times. He probably thought he was mentioned by me. Not so. It was two of the other girls that really liked him and wrote about it. Anyway, I failed to mention that point in the message. Anyway, I continued on with my message to him and ended with a "Love- Lisa". It's my casual friendly way of a goodbye. Right? He wrote me back and at the end of his message said this;
"To avoid even the appearance of evil and to help both of us be comfortable, let's keep writing and such strictly platonic. So we should avoid talking about past relationships (even journals perhaps) and let's not end messages with "love" too. Cool?"

Uhhhh NO. Not cool, you silly Mormon crazy boy. I felt like I was in 8th grade again when I read that. I seriously freaked out. Why does it upset me so? Maybe it's because I feel like we are both adults and should probably be able to talk as such. He was like that when I knew him back in the day too. Maybe I shouldn't be so freaked out.

Needless to say, I haven't responded and probably won't. What am I supposed to say to that? What I wanna say is "You are ridiculous and should probably get a life if a letter ended with "Love" gets to you."  Then I would probably offer to hook him up with a girl that would give him the time of his life (if you know what I mean), with hopes that he might loosen up a little. 


Oh well. He will probably be a lot happier once he has sex. I bet by then he won't even be phased by the mention of the word love or journal or something. 

Are you effing kidding me?

My 8th grade love and I made contact through Facebook. He wrote me first and asked how I was doing and such. I responded telling him that I am good. I asked if he would be interested in coming to a friends reunion. I had made contact with some of the other girls I was super close to in 7th and 8th grade. I found them in the first place because of a notebook I found upstairs in my moms house. We passed this notebook around and wrote about our life experiences and such. I told this boy that his name was mentioned a few times. He probably thought he was mentioned by me. Not so. It was two of the other girls that really liked him and wrote about it. Anyway, I failed to mention that point in the message. Anyway, I continued on with my message to him and ended with a "Love- Lisa". It's my casual friendly way of a goodbye. Right? He wrote me back and at the end of his message said this; "To avoid even the appearance of evil and to help both of us be comfortable, let's keep writing and such strictly platonic. So we should avoid talking about past relationships (even journals perhaps) and let's not end messages with "love" too. Cool?" Uhhhh NO. Not cool, you silly Mormon crazy boy. I felt like I was in 8th grade again when I read that. I seriously freaked out. Why does it upset me so? Maybe it's because I feel like we are both adults and should probably be able to talk as such. He was like that when I knew him back in the day too. Maybe I shouldn't be so freaked out. Needless to say, I haven't responded and probably won't. What am I supposed to say to that? What I wanna say is "You are ridiculous and should probably get a life if a letter ended with "Love" gets to you." Then I would probably offer to hook him up with a girl that would give him the time of his life (if you know what I mean), with hopes that he might loosen up a little. Oh well. He will probably be a lot happier once he has sex. I bet by then he won't even be phased by the mention of the word love or journal or something. These were the comments that came with it (From Myspace) Jaime Weilacher p.s. i'm calling you so soon. it'll be great. Reply3 years ago Jaime Weilacher wow! we need all the crazies in the world! they give us normals (that's you and me) something to jump up and down about! i love you! i loooooooooooove you! Reply3 years ago Jen Millward I can't believe he found you! How crazy! I don't think I would write him again if I were you. Sometimes, things like that should stay in the past, ya know what I mean? Anyway, when are we getting together? Matt and I leave in 10 days!! Love you! Jenny Reply3 years ago

The Real World

Thursday, August 7, 2008
If I could just take a minute to write about my life minus the sweet stuff, positive attitude, and fake happiness, I would super grateful. If for some reason you don't want to hear about the "pooooooorrr liiisssa" stuff, you might as well move on.



I understand that life is hard sometimes. I really do. But this hard? I don't think it's ever been this difficult for me. Let me explain why.



We moved. Everyone is aware of that. We did it in a week thinking that we had somewhat of a good plan. Plans changed and here we are. Homeless, poor, hot, miserable.



Homeless: Actually. Think about your life. Take away your home, and where would you be? How would you feel? It's a very strange sensation. I actually don't have a place that is mine. I know Jenny understands, but does anyone else? It's not fun. I don't have my own bathroom, my own bed, or my own kitchen. I don't have a place for Jackson and I think he understands that. I don't think he likes it either. I do have some good family that are willing to take us in, but none of them want us here/there for long. And they've said so. So that adds to my stress. "You can stay here, but only for this long." So once we wear out our welcome at one place, we will move on to the next. Any suggestions? I'm thinking that even an alleyway behind some nice buildings would be great.



Poor: Today was not a good day for the poorness. We have $60.00. Actually. That's after I paid my default credit card bill and before we have paid for our million dollar insurance premium. So basically we are negative again. Poor lisa. Literally.

Hot: Everywhere is hot. Phoenix is hot. It's hot in this house. It's just hot. And I have lots of insulation. It's called a one liter bottle of soda, or the baby in my belly.

Miserable: I just hate everyone.

Tomorrow, no sunday, is David's birthday. We are gonna go on a date tomorrow. What's that??? We are gonna hopefully do something super exciting like go to Kohl's and get him some pants. I have a coupon and there is a sale. So I'm hoping for 7 dollar jeans tomorrow. I'll let you know. Also, we might even go a little crazy and go to In n' Out or something. I know right? There goes our life savings. But it will be worth it because our savings from David being 25 will be so worth it (renting cars, car insurance). He will be a quarter century old!

Anyway, I guess it's not that bad. But it is bad. I think I didn't explain it well because I'm not in such a bad mood anymore. I have a very comfortable bed to sleep on. It has like 4 inches of memory foam on it... very conforming to el pregnito body.

It's hard though. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I just wanna be heard. To reiterate, I don't like being poor and homeless. And I'm not a fan of being pregnant throughout it all either. I'm contracting a lot.

David felt the little one last night. For the first time he claims. I swear he felt her before we left PA. I miss PA.

Okay so I'm hot and tired. And the baby girl is moving a lot. Yay. I love her. Any my baby boy too. He is so sweet. He loves playing the guitar and passing the balls, and waving. Oh, he said Auntie the other day. Steph can attest to that. She was there. My goodness. I totally understand why people have babies now. They are SO entertaining and understanding.

"Don't be sad, just be happy." ------ Emilee, Age 3

Dry Heat

Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I've got to get a laptop. I wrote the most amazing blog in my head last night and now I can't even remember what it's about. All I know is that I woke up with a bloody nose. I guess that's what happens when you live in the dry heat. I totally need to drink more water. I'm feeling the dehydration setting in.

So... I'm not a fan of these days. I've tried and tried to be positive. Hanging out with my sister helps. She is a good one.

I miss my boys. I'm pregnant. And feeling it too. I'm twenty six weeks now... as of today!!! My baby is the size of a 1 liter soda bottle. Yup. That's what they told me. "They". The ones that tell me I shouldn't drink soda, or my baby will be stupid. "They" who say I should get all the right stuff and sing to my baby. "they" who tell me that eating brocolli will make her super smart. Yup. All that stuff. Anyway, I wonder what "they" say about me still sleeping on my belly. I know right? I lay on my side and all I feel is kicking (or maybe punching). So then I move to the other side, and she does the same thing. On my belly though, we're good. That or my back. Its good news. Oooooh the other good news is that I didn't even get up one time to pee last night. I know right? I totally didn't sleep well, but I didn't have to get up either.

I'm so sure I'm watching the Disney channel. Is that how you spell channel? Or is it chanell? I think it's the first one. Anyway, of more importance is the fact that Disney shows are not real life. They are fake life. I'm sure most people live in a hotel (the twins show), or are wizards. Or maybe there are more people than I am aware of that have double lives. And I don't think that most children who watch these shows are rich and gorgeous and have everything they ever wanted.

Whatever. So I'm officially hungry ALL the time. It's nice. I wish there was a magic button I could push that would make me not feel that way. I'm going to make that button. BUt for now I'm going to make a sandwich. With bread.

First Thing

Sunday, August 3, 2008
So even before I put on my makeup I am going to write this blog. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that I tend to write these blogs in my head at night. I wish I had the gumption to get up and write them when they are still fresh. Because this morning, I don't remember exactly what I was going to write, but it was good. I know i need to get it out there too.

For awhile I have talked about renaming all the people I talk about in my blog. Well the first nickname I have come up with is Julius Caesar. Go read about him if you don't know who he is. I'm going to shorten his name to just Caesar. However, if I should choose, I may call him Julius. The he that i am speaking of is someone from my family. That's all you need to know for now.

Our conversation when something like this. (I'm very bad at transcribing or retelling any sort of conversation I have with anyone... it's a bad memory thing). For the last few days he has been very adament the joke that he is a republican.

Caesar: If things continue the way they are, I am for sure voting for John McCain. I'm gonna need those people to flip my burgers. I want them to stay where they are. It's good for me.

A little background on Caesar. He has a very good job with a very good company and makes very good money. And he is proud of it (I would be too).

Caesar: Do you know why you are where you are?
Me: No, why?
Caesar: It's because you aren't willing to work. You're lazy.
Me: What? We have been applying for jobs for forever. We even started applying before we came out here.
Caesar: You aren't qualified.
Me: I have a Bachelors degree. I worked as a cheer coach you know.
Caesar: Did you do it for you, or for your family?
Me: I did it for me. We didn't need the extra income at that time.
Caesar: See.

Caesar has quite a sarcastic sense of humor. I've learned over the years to not take it personally. Of course later on that evening he told me he was joking blah... blah... blah... That's quite the extensive, thought out joke Caesar.

So as I was pondering this last night, I started to miss my old life. The one where no one knew how much money I had, or what I was doing for the day, or my plan for life. The life where it was just David, Jackson and I. We had a house, where we didn't have to weed wack for rent, where I could leave my charger in the living room, and Jacksons toys could be everywhere for me alone to trip on.

Another disclaimer: This is not at all meant to be a poor me thing. It's just feelings.

I talked to David earlier. We both agreed that this is all happening for a reason, or something. We both felt good about this move. There's no turning back. At least not right now.

I'm contracting. I've been having Braxton-Hicks for several weeks now. My mom doesn't think it's normal. I do. I had them with Jackson. Is it not? Is anyone a doctor?

Speaking of doctors, I need to get to one. I missed all those tests for the second trimester. My sister found me a doctor who will do a VBAC (Vaginal birth after C-Section). I would rather die than have another C-Section. Okay, I wouldn't rather die, but I would rather... scoop more diarrhea out of a toilet. Yeah. That's what I did yesterday. My sisters daughter has been super sick with something that causes her to poo blood. I was baby sitting and she finally went poop (diarrhea if you wanna be specific). Because I was the only one home, and she peed with the poo, I had to get it out before the urine was no longer sterile. Oh my goodness. It was a visual I will not soon be able to get out of my mind.

The other disclaimer: When I speak of such experiences with my family, I speak the truth. This does not however mean that I don't love them. I do. They all teach me something.

Burning Eyes

Saturday, August 2, 2008
I am tired. I hate that feeling you get when you know you are tired but you don't or can't sleep. I sometimes just wanna be super honest in these blogs but I am not. What keeps me from it? I don't know. My own doubts.

David said that we should be able to depend on friends in family in time of need. He said it is their responsibility. I asked Jenny the same question and she responded the same as he did...that we should be able to depend on them. I suppose my response is more negative and pessamistic but it's how I feel. I wonder why. Anyway, I told David that I don't think we should. It's not their responsibility.

For example, we are in a time of need. We have already depended on so many people for things we can't take care of right now for ourselves... like housing and food and money etc. It is not their responsibility to do those nice things for us though. Am I alone in feeling such a way? Maybe I feel the way I do because for most of my life, things that are given to me come with strings attached. Nothing in life is free. So maybe my response is such because I don't want to feel like I owe people. That's not me playing the poor me card either. It's my opinion and my perspective. I don't have a Wayne Dyer response for that either.

I am a control freak too. Maybe that has something to do with it too. I want to be in control and I don't want to have to again, depend on people. I wanna do it all myself. I can see the Al-Anon response to that. "Let go, and let God." I want to. I really do.

Life is good other than the fact that we are still homeless, poor, and undirectional (at this moment). I kind of feel like the quote I have laughed at for so many years is now not so funny. "When you make a plan, God laughs." It's something like that. We decided to move, and did move within one week, and things are going not at all according to plan. Makes me laugh a little bit. The plan as of today is to get jobs. That's really all. I thought I had everything figured out. I totally don't.

I was hanging out with Steph and Kevin tonight. Steph mentioned something about plans and how she didn't know that everything was so planned out. I think she may have been slightly frustrated that people were dissapointed things didn't go "as planned". It's amazing how perspective changes outcomes. Maybe I shouldn't have such amazing plans so that I don't get dissapointed when things don't go as "outlined". I think God wants us to have a plan but it doesn't have to be the plan for forever... it can just be for today. Or for the week. Who's to say what will happen in a few days or weeks or months. Yeah. See. That makes sense. So don't get pissed at me world, when I don't do as I planned. Things change.

I'm not in the best state of mind lately. Good thing my sis gave me some good CD's to listen to. They have actually made a difference and I have seen the results. For example, I became friends with the lady at DES and with the traffic here in Phoenix. I haven't even said ANY bad words while driving. I am SO proud. Haven't even lost my cool. If you know me at all, you know that is huge. Okay, you don't have to know me because I only yell and cuss when I am alone in the car. Anyway, that Lisa is gone. The good one is here. Well the almost good one.

This is becoming the longest blog ever. It's more of a whining one today. But listen. I'm kind of tired of the schmack talking that occurs in my family. Say it to my face people. I know exactly who I am talking to yet I don't have the balls to confront. I feel like maybe they should go first. Or should I? Any ideas? Ugh. I feel like PA is calling me back. I miss it there. I miss you Janell. (and everyone else. Don't get butt hurt).

Its time for me to go look for more apartments. Yay.