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It's the beginning...

Tuesday, July 31, 2007
What a day. What a week. What a few weeks actually.

I have learned SO much on this trip to AZ. It's been my best one so far. I feel like a different person. It's great.

I appreciate my sisters. I learn so much from them. From Steph I have learned a lot. She has said some things this trip that have helped me out greatly. The first being that I cannot control peoples responses. I can only control the way I feel. What a lightbulb in my mind because often times i find myself worrying about what people will say or think about the things I say myself. I'm working on that though.

I have also realized that I need Al-anon. Al-anon is a program for friends and families of alcoholics. It's a support network. It's amazing. In the one meeting I went to, I learned a lot.  I am so proud of my sister for the things she has accomplished there. She got her two year chip on Thurday (happy birthday sis.!) and it has only inspired me to be in the same place two years from now. I realized that alcohol affects and has affected me in ways I don't even realize. But going to those meetings brings to light those things and inspires change. One of the things they talk about is taking care of yourself before you take care of others. Sounds selfish but it really isn't.My sis and I talked about this one day while she was here. There is a scripture that says "Love thy neighbor as thyself." People look over that a lot I think. You have to love yourself before you can love your neighbor... in a good way. Sacrifices can be made for others but should not be made at the expense of your sanity and spirituality.

I love the principles of the gospel. I love the foundations it is built upon. I know they are true. This is not to say I don't struggle with everything else. Right now though, thats not what is important. God and I are working on our relationship and I am so happy. Tonight Josh, Chelsi, Jenny and I encountered some people who had a lot to say about our church. It was such a testimony builder because I was able to say with confidence that I know that what I believe is true for me. Religion is complicated but I am comfortable with my beliefs. And P.S. Mormons are Christians. Thanks.

I'm okay with who I am right now. I'm actually really happy about the place I am in. I'm working out a lot, and eating right (mostly) (thanks again sis.), and I am so confident about the changes i am making and want to make in the near future. Plus, I have a wonderful husband, a dang cute baby, and good friends and family. I am on cloud nine.

I love everyone. Minus old people and slow drivers.


P.S... I LOVE HARRY POTTER (Daniel Radcliffe). Seriously... have you seen him lately? Love him. 

Church and ugly people

Sunday, July 8, 2007
This blog will be twofold. First will be the good. Second will be the bad.

I would first like to mention the desire I have within my heart to be and do good. Jenny, David and I had a nice talk yesterday about a few different things and I listened to what they both had to say. David said something that really hit home. He talked about how when he feels the spirit, his desire to be better increases. This is sometimes not easy because it's not what we wants to do all of the time. Sometimes its hard, sometimes its not "convenient" and sometimes its just not easy. It's too hard to deny that feeling though. Theres no way to NOT be motivated to change when you feel the spirit. I feel the same way. And so it is.

I went to all three hours of church today. That included sacrament, Sunday school, and Relief Society. It was the first time in a long time that I had actually been to the classes I should actually be attending. It felt super good. Jenny did it too and I am so proud of us. I realized in Sunday school, that I have a desire to read the scriptures and work on my relationship with God. I find that I am MUCH happier as a person when I am doing those things.
Now for the not so good. It's complaining time.
First of all, ugly people should NOT have babies. People with nasty hair that have children with rotting teeth should not produce others that will probably yield the same results.
Secondly, I found that I hate people who take pictures with the kissy face. Granted, it's cute sometimes, but not ALL of the time. Come on. My opinion is that people who do the kissy face are trying to make their face look skinnier. Well I know their secret. It's not hot. It's totally not sexy. It's fun when you're doing it with another person, or you're in a group of people and they are all doing it. OrĂ¢€¦ ok. That's about the only time its acceptable. Otherwise, I think you look stupid. Now I'm not talking about anyone specifically, in fact, I'm probably talking about the people on Myspace that I look at and judge because it's fun.

Oooh and thirdly, I love my baby. He's a dang cute one and is getting cuter every day. He likes to sing (he pretends by making long ooooohhh sounds). It's a good time. I like it more and more every day.  

Boobs and such

Sunday, July 1, 2007
The topic of the day: breastfeeding. This may upset a few people. Especially La Leche League or whatever they are called.

It's so funny because I had this whole blog written out in my head last night. But now I can't remember anything I wanted to say except these few things.

  1. Breastfeeding is NOT always best. Not when mother hates it because she is a milk cow.
  2. And not when mother's boobs are three times the size of babies head. You may laugh at that statement but unless you actually have breasts the size of cantaloupes (or larger), then you don't understand. It's just not comfortable. Having to pay attention at all times because of the fear of baby suffocating is not a good one.
  3. Having a constant attachment is not always a fun thing. Really not so fun at all. Picture this. 7 friends hanging out at a restaurant. Baby starts to cry. Mother has two choices. Whip out her boob in public so everyone can see the gigantic melons or she can leave the room and miss out on the evening's conversations. And don't try and tell me "you get used to it". No you don't. I can't see myself mastering the technique of lifting up my shirt, pulling down my bra, pulling out my boob, attaching baby, and still managing to keep from exposing my gigantic breast. Ugh.
Don't worry; you don't have to judge me too much. I'm still breastfeeding. And yes, the above mentioned reasons sound selfish, but if mom is not happy, neither is baby. So I am dealing with this internal struggle on a daily basis because I see the cons to NOT breastfeeding.

  1. Baby does not get the nutritional benefits of the boob.
  2. I'm afraid my baby will hate me.
From the beginning, I have not wanted to breastfeed. But I have felt the public and private scrutiny from friends, nurses, and family. I hate it. Seriously. People should keep their unsolicited advice to themselves. I realize it is completely up to me to decide. But it is hard when everyone around me has expectations that are different from my own desires. How then, do I get the confidence I need, to make the decision I want to make when everyone has the opposite opinion?
I guess I just deal with it until I get sick of it, or my boobs explode because they are so huge.


On another note, this week was a really good one. Jackson smiled and talked to me. We played the talking game back and forth where I would mimic his noises and he would do them back. It was super cute. Oh and he has been sleeping for 5 or 6 hours at a time. Whoop whoop!